I hope today is nothing like yesterday. Bipolar depression is a nasty beast. I fought in every way I could but it still whooped my ass yesterday. This morning is pouring rain. I love the rain, so maybe its a good sign. Whoever is reading this if you have depression and you are feeling absolutely awful; do a workout followed by a freezing shower. Yes I know both are not exactly pleasant but both are very healthy and a great way to fight the depression by releasing happy chemicals. It didnt entirely work for me yesterday but it usually does. Maybe I’ll check in tomorrow.
Maybe nobody on here knows who I am anymore… I am a trans girl, 38 years old living in Vancouver BC… I have worked many jobs and graduated college but I am on disability. To be brutally honest the last 10 years of my life; work was sex work. Some say its the oldest job around. Others might say I’m a whore.
I started this blog many years ago when I found myself living in the Yukon Homeless Shelter here in Vancouver. I had imagined I would be spending a lot longer homeless but thanks to friends and MPA society I landed myself a very nice suite in a neighborhood I had dreamed of. I started this blog thinking maybe I am documenting life on the streets. But it didnt turn out that way. And honestly this is so much more for me. It is such a blessing.
Now I am living under a housing program with MPA society. I have to give MPA society all of their flowers because of the crucial role they had in getting me housing. Not only getting me housing but because of their help, I was able to get sober. I am an addict. But I am 4 years clean.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time inside. Although I have a great life. Although I am clean. Mental illness, addiction and trauma have taken its toll and agoraphobia has a substantial impact on how often I am running around the city. Which is not as much as I used to, not by far. However I do get out. Just not as much. And I do live a very joyous life.
I have indulged in many forms of art that I like to pursue on all my platforms, poetry, music, art, graffiti, photography and video. Modeling? Haha. I love wordpress so much; it is a beautiful place.
Maybe I’ll leave it at that for now. A little of who I am and where I am coming from.
Remember. Calm is always possible in the storm. Sometimes it is the most peaceful.
Sometimes I forget the calm is my storm. That I was born to flourish in mayhem. Similair to the lotus, similair to the mud. Even in this time I rise. Above the earth; eyes gazing across the land. With a clear view and no obstruction. All is the absolute truth behind it all. The jewel in the lotus. I become one with that truth. In the emptiness, nothingness. Peace. Bliss. Calm in my storm.
We have been seeing death and dark… and light and life… Crossing to and fro… Amidst the chaos I am clear as calm water. Or the infinite sky.
To my readers… If I have any readers, my health is not well.
Today I’ll be going to the doctors and most likely do bloodwork and it doesnt bother me at all. Not knowing whats wrong with me bothers me the most. We do not know. Hospitals, doctors… All I know is I get sick very easily. As I type this I am extremely nauseous. Ive been nauseous, acidey and pukey for over a month. Maybe today I’ll step closer to an answer. I pray I do.
I have my good days. Days I think its over. Days with no nausea. I also try to make my sick days as good as possible. Just K.I.M. (keep it moving). I dont think I’m losing too much weight too quickly. And I wasn’t skinny to begin with. So thats good right?
I am doing my best not to let it get to me. Living life to my fullest regardless. I’m getting out and doing my thing despite being sick and despite being agoraphobic.
I sit at the computer with a coffee as I did 10 years ago when this blog began. This time I’m not homeless using the Starbucks wifi. I paid my internet bill yesterday. Its weird because I remember those days like it was yesterday. As hard as some days were, I was queen of the Yukon Shelter for quite some time. Thank you Yukon for giving me a place to sleep. A place to collect myself and get back on my feet. And thank you to MPA Society for all of your help since way back when I was a volunteer.
Thanks to all my supports from shelters to charities to doctors and my own families; I’m holding it down like a success story for addiction, I pray I can continue on; striving for my own liberation.
Things are definitely different now. But I always have to remind myself how this all began. And give thanks. That’s all.
It’s 3 am on March 6th and I have no problems getting up. I feel rested and my watch says I got about 8 hours sleep. Today I have a phone appointment with my housing worker and I have to work on my taxes to get a return. Yesterday I added a new weapon to my collection and it feels dangerous to hold; all new weapons do… Right now I sit and vape drinking vanilla ice coffee, optimistic about the day ahead. I want to play on my switch this morning because theres probably no one awake to talk to at such an ungodly hour, yet these are sometimes my favorite hours; hours of spirituality.
From my window the nights sky looks like a blank black canvas… a big one haha. Which reminds me that these words are like the stars in the sky; cosmic. I’m starting to really get back in the groove of using wordpress. However I still have to get used to it and a lot of the features I used to use I no longer know how; I look back at all of the other posts over the past decade and they fascinate me. I want to continue building this page, to me it has grown into something very special. From the quotes, to the street art, to the love poetry. It was once a memory but if I explore this site I can relive every moment any time I want.
My poison of choice is alcohol. But I have indulged in everything I could get my hands on.
Drinking for many and every reason.
I didnt attend any meetings or have a counsellor of any sort. I rely on my friends and family to talk to when life throws me curveballs and I’m forever thankful for that.
A big part of my sobriety is very simple. I have housing. I am a success story for providing people with addiction and mental health issues affordable housing.
Once I had my housing I was sober in weeks. I had one relapse. But I quickly got back on track and here we are!
Nearing ever closer to 2 years sober. This blog doesnt get enough attention. Life is good. I have my issues but nothing stops me from finding happiness. Finding so much joy in the little things. It is spring now and I am enjoying the vibe that the sunshine brings. Right now it is 3:30 In the morning as I awake from a dream about Bob Marley…
Today nothing special is planned, but who knows what is to come. But I am thinking I may be a little tired starting my day at this time. I spend most days chilling out. Sometimes visiting my parents, vibing and walking the dog… A little skateboarding… A very simple life…
Sobriety has allowed me to become a connoisseur… A collector… And a safe and secure life… (Probably a little more important lol) I will be celebrating 600 days soon. And god willing 2 years in September. I often daydream of relapsing… But um… So many of my friends have passed. I must continue to be the survivor. I must live on…
Peace
-Nina
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
You must be logged in to post a comment.