To my readers… If I have any readers, my health is not well.
Today I’ll be going to the doctors and most likely do bloodwork and it doesnt bother me at all. Not knowing whats wrong with me bothers me the most. We do not know. Hospitals, doctors… All I know is I get sick very easily. As I type this I am extremely nauseous. Ive been nauseous, acidey and pukey for over a month. Maybe today I’ll step closer to an answer. I pray I do.
I have my good days. Days I think its over. Days with no nausea. I also try to make my sick days as good as possible. Just K.I.M. (keep it moving). I dont think I’m losing too much weight too quickly. And I wasn’t skinny to begin with. So thats good right?
I am doing my best not to let it get to me. Living life to my fullest regardless. I’m getting out and doing my thing despite being sick and despite being agoraphobic.
I sit at the computer with a coffee as I did 10 years ago when this blog began. This time I’m not homeless using the Starbucks wifi. I paid my internet bill yesterday. Its weird because I remember those days like it was yesterday. As hard as some days were, I was queen of the Yukon Shelter for quite some time. Thank you Yukon for giving me a place to sleep. A place to collect myself and get back on my feet. And thank you to MPA Society for all of your help since way back when I was a volunteer.
Thanks to all my supports from shelters to charities to doctors and my own families; I’m holding it down like a success story for addiction, I pray I can continue on; striving for my own liberation.
Things are definitely different now. But I always have to remind myself how this all began. And give thanks. That’s all.
It’s 3 am on March 6th and I have no problems getting up. I feel rested and my watch says I got about 8 hours sleep. Today I have a phone appointment with my housing worker and I have to work on my taxes to get a return. Yesterday I added a new weapon to my collection and it feels dangerous to hold; all new weapons do… Right now I sit and vape drinking vanilla ice coffee, optimistic about the day ahead. I want to play on my switch this morning because theres probably no one awake to talk to at such an ungodly hour, yet these are sometimes my favorite hours; hours of spirituality.
From my window the nights sky looks like a blank black canvas… a big one haha. Which reminds me that these words are like the stars in the sky; cosmic. I’m starting to really get back in the groove of using wordpress. However I still have to get used to it and a lot of the features I used to use I no longer know how; I look back at all of the other posts over the past decade and they fascinate me. I want to continue building this page, to me it has grown into something very special. From the quotes, to the street art, to the love poetry. It was once a memory but if I explore this site I can relive every moment any time I want.
My poison of choice is alcohol. But I have indulged in everything I could get my hands on.
Drinking for many and every reason.
I didnt attend any meetings or have a counsellor of any sort. I rely on my friends and family to talk to when life throws me curveballs and I’m forever thankful for that.
A big part of my sobriety is very simple. I have housing. I am a success story for providing people with addiction and mental health issues affordable housing.
Once I had my housing I was sober in weeks. I had one relapse. But I quickly got back on track and here we are!
Nearing ever closer to 2 years sober. This blog doesnt get enough attention. Life is good. I have my issues but nothing stops me from finding happiness. Finding so much joy in the little things. It is spring now and I am enjoying the vibe that the sunshine brings. Right now it is 3:30 In the morning as I awake from a dream about Bob Marley…
Today nothing special is planned, but who knows what is to come. But I am thinking I may be a little tired starting my day at this time. I spend most days chilling out. Sometimes visiting my parents, vibing and walking the dog… A little skateboarding… A very simple life…
Sobriety has allowed me to become a connoisseur… A collector… And a safe and secure life… (Probably a little more important lol) I will be celebrating 600 days soon. And god willing 2 years in September. I often daydream of relapsing… But um… So many of my friends have passed. I must continue to be the survivor. I must live on…
I have struggled with agoraphobia my whole life, I didnt really realize it until age 34… What was really going on with me. Is it too late? At 36 I revel in joy when finishing a single task that involves stepping outside of my door. Which isn’t that often, but often enough to give me hope. Sometimes when I go out, I am shaking, trembling in fear… Having a hard time catching my breath. I am afraid of people and I dont know why. It can be very embarrassing, sad, scary; this is what I am dealing with.
5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.
I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…
It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.
I’m in the new crib as the rain pours at 3 am… Drinking an energy drink and vaping away. So very peaceful… Life feels very kind to me lately and I am gifted many blessings. I am thankful for this… I am still sober, doing art and doing just fine. The ongoing sobriety brings financial prosperity and much peace to go along with it… Also; A healthy body and mind.
I have many goals to achieve but time remains on my side. It would be nice to own a vehicle to travel the province is one of them. Other goals focus on physical and mental well being. Art, poetry and other forms of expression are not goals but I hope to continue creating for the sake of creating. Thankful for all…
I would like to return to a very minimalist lifestyle and this will take patience and perseverance. All things do really I suppose. Its the simple fact upon opening my moving boxes the realization of over-accumulating. And a remembrance of a more simple lifestyle, sometimes less is more!
Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!
Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…
I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…
Welcome me back if you guys remember me…
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
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