Yesterday was another battle with bipolar depression. I think I handled it better than the day before but still another hard battle. I worked out, cleaned thoroughly, walked the dogs a couple times… Im waking up now with coffee. A little tired. A little lonely but… Im optimistic today can be a good day if I make it one.
In other news. I had a GI appointment for Tuesday but I cancelled it; as I havent had symptoms in months and I think I am doing okay. I feel kind of guilty cancelling it but I just have no idea what I would even expect them to help me with if I am doing just fine. So it is what it is.
I hope today is nothing like yesterday. Bipolar depression is a nasty beast. I fought in every way I could but it still whooped my ass yesterday. This morning is pouring rain. I love the rain, so maybe its a good sign. Whoever is reading this if you have depression and you are feeling absolutely awful; do a workout followed by a freezing shower. Yes I know both are not exactly pleasant but both are very healthy and a great way to fight the depression by releasing happy chemicals. It didnt entirely work for me yesterday but it usually does. Maybe I’ll check in tomorrow.
Maybe nobody on here knows who I am anymore… I am a trans girl, 38 years old living in Vancouver BC… I have worked many jobs and graduated college but I am on disability. To be brutally honest the last 10 years of my life; work was sex work. Some say its the oldest job around. Others might say I’m a whore.
I started this blog many years ago when I found myself living in the Yukon Homeless Shelter here in Vancouver. I had imagined I would be spending a lot longer homeless but thanks to friends and MPA society I landed myself a very nice suite in a neighborhood I had dreamed of. I started this blog thinking maybe I am documenting life on the streets. But it didnt turn out that way. And honestly this is so much more for me. It is such a blessing.
Now I am living under a housing program with MPA society. I have to give MPA society all of their flowers because of the crucial role they had in getting me housing. Not only getting me housing but because of their help, I was able to get sober. I am an addict. But I am 4 years clean.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time inside. Although I have a great life. Although I am clean. Mental illness, addiction and trauma have taken its toll and agoraphobia has a substantial impact on how often I am running around the city. Which is not as much as I used to, not by far. However I do get out. Just not as much. And I do live a very joyous life.
I have indulged in many forms of art that I like to pursue on all my platforms, poetry, music, art, graffiti, photography and video. Modeling? Haha. I love wordpress so much; it is a beautiful place.
Maybe I’ll leave it at that for now. A little of who I am and where I am coming from.
I am a digital millennial; the creation of the computer age is oh so nostalgic. Games, music, movies… I grew and so did technology with me; we grew quickly! Don’t tell me not to embrace my inner digital child when you are on WordPress as well. We wander this cyber maze together whether you believe you are stuck in it or not. Whether you believe you are a product of capitalism or have the delusion your spirit is entirely free. No matter; here we are.
I’m not sure why I am even writing this. Is it because I live so deeply in this fantasy realm. Am I rejoicing in this fall of mankind? Is it our fall? Or is this the beginning of something great? Some say we build our own prisons; there is some truth to that relating to the digital realm sure. But is this platform also not freeing? Comforting? Even revolutionary? What are we doing here?
I am up early as usual. 4 AM and thats okay. A little lonely but that’s okay too. If I am with myself I am in good company. Plus I got my cats. I sit thinking about this crazy world as well as my own little trials and tribulations. My thoughts meander about as I awaken. I type to allow myself to unwind; refresh myself and make this day into something beautiful.
I think writing is beautiful. I think blogging is beautiful. An index of thought, ideas, images. A playful world that a wandering mind can explore at their fingertips. I like my blog. And to my readers I wish you a pleasant Saturday.
Its the morning, tired and I got my coffee. So glad to have my blog to sit on. The weather is slightly cool. Which is nice this morning. No need to fret over the day, what comes will come. Hopefully peace. I need this; a peaceful day to reside in slide around in my PJs. If you don’t know me; I am on disability. I consider myself a retired babushka.
Having disabilities comes with so much challenge. If I could work I would much rather be doing that. Hopefully one day! But for now I need to focus on my well being. Not am only am I disabled but I am also dealing with my health problems. Yesterday the doctor sent me to the hospital. Now I have some tests lined up to see if they can find out what is going on with me. What is going on with my gut. Wish me luck.
The coffee is kicking in and I’m starting to wake. Thank you universe for this morning. The rain lightly taps the window. Cats meander the apartment. Blue lightbulbs illuminate my space; And the keyboard clatters as I type onto the Press. All is well and I wish for another peaceful day on earth.
Let the rain fall and cleanse the city. Rivers flow and oceans rise. I am awake and people peacefully sleep. I will bless this day ahead of them. And ahead of I. May it take us into a beautiful mind state. May anything clouding our judgement be parted and the truth be revealed.
My three years of sobriety date is coming up and I ordered myself some shit to celebrate. I’m currently battling bipolar depression but I have lots of tools at my disposal to win the battles. The weather has been very cool and rainy, I welcome it with open arms in August when we are usually in a heat wave and the city is filled with forest fire smoke. Its been a fur baby summer as I adopted 2 rescue kittens (Puma and Dreamer). And my parents got a new puppy (Shiva). All the cats and pup are healthy, happy and doing well.
I just want to get by, and be a survivor. I am happy with a simplistic minimalist lifestyle. I’m still a junkie but I dont seek endorphins through substance any longer. Third time getting sober and I suppose third time is a charm; I’ve never made it this long.
I sit at the computer with a coffee as I did 10 years ago when this blog began. This time I’m not homeless using the Starbucks wifi. I paid my internet bill yesterday. Its weird because I remember those days like it was yesterday. As hard as some days were, I was queen of the Yukon Shelter for quite some time. Thank you Yukon for giving me a place to sleep. A place to collect myself and get back on my feet. And thank you to MPA Society for all of your help since way back when I was a volunteer.
Thanks to all my supports from shelters to charities to doctors and my own families; I’m holding it down like a success story for addiction, I pray I can continue on; striving for my own liberation.
Things are definitely different now. But I always have to remind myself how this all began. And give thanks. That’s all.
-Nina
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
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