The coffee is kicking in and I’m starting to wake. Thank you universe for this morning. The rain lightly taps the window. Cats meander the apartment. Blue lightbulbs illuminate my space; And the keyboard clatters as I type onto the Press. All is well and I wish for another peaceful day on earth.
Let the rain fall and cleanse the city. Rivers flow and oceans rise. I am awake and people peacefully sleep. I will bless this day ahead of them. And ahead of I. May it take us into a beautiful mind state. May anything clouding our judgement be parted and the truth be revealed.
My three years of sobriety date is coming up and I ordered myself some shit to celebrate. I’m currently battling bipolar depression but I have lots of tools at my disposal to win the battles. The weather has been very cool and rainy, I welcome it with open arms in August when we are usually in a heat wave and the city is filled with forest fire smoke. Its been a fur baby summer as I adopted 2 rescue kittens (Puma and Dreamer). And my parents got a new puppy (Shiva). All the cats and pup are healthy, happy and doing well.
I just want to get by, and be a survivor. I am happy with a simplistic minimalist lifestyle. I’m still a junkie but I dont seek endorphins through substance any longer. Third time getting sober and I suppose third time is a charm; I’ve never made it this long.
I sit at the computer with a coffee as I did 10 years ago when this blog began. This time I’m not homeless using the Starbucks wifi. I paid my internet bill yesterday. Its weird because I remember those days like it was yesterday. As hard as some days were, I was queen of the Yukon Shelter for quite some time. Thank you Yukon for giving me a place to sleep. A place to collect myself and get back on my feet. And thank you to MPA Society for all of your help since way back when I was a volunteer.
Thanks to all my supports from shelters to charities to doctors and my own families; I’m holding it down like a success story for addiction, I pray I can continue on; striving for my own liberation.
Things are definitely different now. But I always have to remind myself how this all began. And give thanks. That’s all.
I’m a little sleepy this morning. Not sure what to write. Onto coffee number 2 lol… That’s funny. I’m just waiting for my girl to wake up. I feel like good days are coming my way even though it seems like the world is falling apart.
Its been so cold lately, especially in the mornings. Ive got my space heater running in the bedroom so that I can hibernate in there soon.
On another note. Now that I am sober…. Not homeless or facing homelessness… Why do my journals not feel so important. Is it simply because I am safe? I don’t know. Hmmm…
4:30 am. Time to rise. Yesterday was good, can today be better? Let’s make it happen. I remember my dreams… I was drunk and hopping freight trains and got detained by the police. Then all of a sudden Taylor was there. I miss her. Anyways I’m up. Kind of. Half asleep. LOFI HIP HOP TO STUDY AND RELAX TO is playing. Just opened the window to let the cool breeze in. Ahh… Refreshing. Starting to wake up now. Maybe.
I wonder if WordPress is dead. I havent really had any comments since I started it up again… Nevertheless I like building this site a lot. No matter what. I need to find more content other than my writing… Things that… Things that are beautiful…. Even if they in mud. No mud? No lotus.
Exersize is another important daily regiment that must be added alongside WordPress. Mind BODY and soul must be taken care of. I have the tools… I have the discipline. Time to use it.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
Tired for the past couple of days… Not sure why… But I am getting by just fine. As my apartment is spotless and kitchen is full of food. Spending much time browsing online, chatting and digital window shopping… Talking to my friends… Some are doing well and others are not.
Therefor I am thankful for creators… or universes bountiful blessings bestowed upon my life. I think of all I have to be thankful for on more than a daily basis. I do my best to help and create good in the world. Perhaps good karma… Also many people have helped me along the way and sometimes… Its just your turn to help.
I wish there was more I could do but I have many obstacles currently. I have spoken on some of them before. But I have basically chosen sobriety and solitude over everything in life.
Thank you for serenity, bountifulness, sobriety and peace.
I arise feeling wonderful. A large dose of eddibles will do that. I was slingshotted out of state and into a deep sleep. Immediately thinking of those Ive lost along the way this morning. House parties in mansions an escape from the slums and troubled times along with. But that is alright for their memories will always bring me comfort and joy. Knowing we truly lived this life.
Today I will probably escape my agoraphobia and live some more; for that is what is planned. The summer has been good. Counting down the days to 2 years alcohol free. Sober if you don’t count cannibus. What do I want to do today? I do not know. It does not matter. Today will be a good day.
Damn the sun shines bright, The warmth is soothing. Peace… Until the later of the day. But we shall see. Thank god I got AC!
So far this morning Ive been emotional. I am an easily triggered girl lol. I always want to see the best in people but sometimes they make it difficult.
Most of my anxiety stems from self. I actually usually put the entire planet on a pedastal above me for the most part. And for some reason… I am worth nothing. I stay sober… I try to make changes for the better. Im trying to heal and rebuild myself. Strengthen my heart and soul.
Its a work in progress.
Anyway if you’re reading this Im sorry for wasting your time. I do this blog for my own therapy lol
-Nina
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
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