My three years of sobriety date is coming up and I ordered myself some shit to celebrate. I’m currently battling bipolar depression but I have lots of tools at my disposal to win the battles. The weather has been very cool and rainy, I welcome it with open arms in August when we are usually in a heat wave and the city is filled with forest fire smoke. Its been a fur baby summer as I adopted 2 rescue kittens (Puma and Dreamer). And my parents got a new puppy (Shiva). All the cats and pup are healthy, happy and doing well.
I just want to get by, and be a survivor. I am happy with a simplistic minimalist lifestyle. I’m still a junkie but I dont seek endorphins through substance any longer. Third time getting sober and I suppose third time is a charm; I’ve never made it this long.
It’s 3 am on March 6th and I have no problems getting up. I feel rested and my watch says I got about 8 hours sleep. Today I have a phone appointment with my housing worker and I have to work on my taxes to get a return. Yesterday I added a new weapon to my collection and it feels dangerous to hold; all new weapons do… Right now I sit and vape drinking vanilla ice coffee, optimistic about the day ahead. I want to play on my switch this morning because theres probably no one awake to talk to at such an ungodly hour, yet these are sometimes my favorite hours; hours of spirituality.
From my window the nights sky looks like a blank black canvas… a big one haha. Which reminds me that these words are like the stars in the sky; cosmic. I’m starting to really get back in the groove of using wordpress. However I still have to get used to it and a lot of the features I used to use I no longer know how; I look back at all of the other posts over the past decade and they fascinate me. I want to continue building this page, to me it has grown into something very special. From the quotes, to the street art, to the love poetry. It was once a memory but if I explore this site I can relive every moment any time I want.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
Tired for the past couple of days… Not sure why… But I am getting by just fine. As my apartment is spotless and kitchen is full of food. Spending much time browsing online, chatting and digital window shopping… Talking to my friends… Some are doing well and others are not.
Therefor I am thankful for creators… or universes bountiful blessings bestowed upon my life. I think of all I have to be thankful for on more than a daily basis. I do my best to help and create good in the world. Perhaps good karma… Also many people have helped me along the way and sometimes… Its just your turn to help.
I wish there was more I could do but I have many obstacles currently. I have spoken on some of them before. But I have basically chosen sobriety and solitude over everything in life.
Thank you for serenity, bountifulness, sobriety and peace.
Damn the sun shines bright, The warmth is soothing. Peace… Until the later of the day. But we shall see. Thank god I got AC!
So far this morning Ive been emotional. I am an easily triggered girl lol. I always want to see the best in people but sometimes they make it difficult.
Most of my anxiety stems from self. I actually usually put the entire planet on a pedastal above me for the most part. And for some reason… I am worth nothing. I stay sober… I try to make changes for the better. Im trying to heal and rebuild myself. Strengthen my heart and soul.
Its a work in progress.
Anyway if you’re reading this Im sorry for wasting your time. I do this blog for my own therapy lol
I dont really feel quite myself at the moment as my heart thump thump thumps
Not quite as relaxing
I must somehow enjoy the rest of this beautiful day…
Now what can be dont besides mindless relaxation… Art perhaps? Cleaning? Youve been meaning to clean out the boxes in the entrance closets but THAT REQUIRES GOING OUTSIDE.
And no one wants that.
Lol…
Games? I seem tired of games. Maybe if I pick it up and start playing I will enjoy it. Or maybe not. Maybe I am depressed.
As I sip this coffee. Well… Guzzle this coffee… It does not seem to help the heart slow down. Neither did the ganja either. When will I ever learn…
But I can’t help it. These are my acts of escapism.
I may not be drinking or sniffing lines popping pills but I am still a junkie by all means. What does that mean? It means Im a dopamine fiend. Squeez it to the last drop.
5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.
I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…
It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.
Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!
Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…
I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…
Welcome me back if you guys remember me…
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
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