Thank you for this day. This peaceful day. A good sleep and a quiet morning. Thank you for my friends and family. Thank you for nature. The trees and the air we breathe. My coffee tastes great as I watch the beautiful sunrise from my window. I wish for a peaceful day for me and a peaceful day for all.
The wheels are in motion. I have started to clean the house. I skipped morning meditation today and hope to do some later. And finish my book.
I don’t really know what to write yet somehow I know this is important. I did not post my 4 years sober. Perhaps that it something that should be told.
My three years of sobriety date is coming up and I ordered myself some shit to celebrate. I’m currently battling bipolar depression but I have lots of tools at my disposal to win the battles. The weather has been very cool and rainy, I welcome it with open arms in August when we are usually in a heat wave and the city is filled with forest fire smoke. Its been a fur baby summer as I adopted 2 rescue kittens (Puma and Dreamer). And my parents got a new puppy (Shiva). All the cats and pup are healthy, happy and doing well.
I just want to get by, and be a survivor. I am happy with a simplistic minimalist lifestyle. I’m still a junkie but I dont seek endorphins through substance any longer. Third time getting sober and I suppose third time is a charm; I’ve never made it this long.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
My poison of choice is alcohol. But I have indulged in everything I could get my hands on.
Drinking for many and every reason.
I didnt attend any meetings or have a counsellor of any sort. I rely on my friends and family to talk to when life throws me curveballs and I’m forever thankful for that.
A big part of my sobriety is very simple. I have housing. I am a success story for providing people with addiction and mental health issues affordable housing.
Once I had my housing I was sober in weeks. I had one relapse. But I quickly got back on track and here we are!
Tired for the past couple of days… Not sure why… But I am getting by just fine. As my apartment is spotless and kitchen is full of food. Spending much time browsing online, chatting and digital window shopping… Talking to my friends… Some are doing well and others are not.
Therefor I am thankful for creators… or universes bountiful blessings bestowed upon my life. I think of all I have to be thankful for on more than a daily basis. I do my best to help and create good in the world. Perhaps good karma… Also many people have helped me along the way and sometimes… Its just your turn to help.
I wish there was more I could do but I have many obstacles currently. I have spoken on some of them before. But I have basically chosen sobriety and solitude over everything in life.
Thank you for serenity, bountifulness, sobriety and peace.
I arise feeling wonderful. A large dose of eddibles will do that. I was slingshotted out of state and into a deep sleep. Immediately thinking of those Ive lost along the way this morning. House parties in mansions an escape from the slums and troubled times along with. But that is alright for their memories will always bring me comfort and joy. Knowing we truly lived this life.
Today I will probably escape my agoraphobia and live some more; for that is what is planned. The summer has been good. Counting down the days to 2 years alcohol free. Sober if you don’t count cannibus. What do I want to do today? I do not know. It does not matter. Today will be a good day.
5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.
I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…
It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.
Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.
Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.
I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.
I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…
Thats all for now
-Nina
– The Lotus in the Mud – Graffiti, Poetry & The Inner Bodhisattva
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