Yesterday was another battle with bipolar depression. I think I handled it better than the day before but still another hard battle. I worked out, cleaned thoroughly, walked the dogs a couple times… Im waking up now with coffee. A little tired. A little lonely but… Im optimistic today can be a good day if I make it one.
In other news. I had a GI appointment for Tuesday but I cancelled it; as I havent had symptoms in months and I think I am doing okay. I feel kind of guilty cancelling it but I just have no idea what I would even expect them to help me with if I am doing just fine. So it is what it is.
Maybe nobody on here knows who I am anymore… I am a trans girl, 38 years old living in Vancouver BC… I have worked many jobs and graduated college but I am on disability. To be brutally honest the last 10 years of my life; work was sex work. Some say its the oldest job around. Others might say I’m a whore.
I started this blog many years ago when I found myself living in the Yukon Homeless Shelter here in Vancouver. I had imagined I would be spending a lot longer homeless but thanks to friends and MPA society I landed myself a very nice suite in a neighborhood I had dreamed of. I started this blog thinking maybe I am documenting life on the streets. But it didnt turn out that way. And honestly this is so much more for me. It is such a blessing.
Now I am living under a housing program with MPA society. I have to give MPA society all of their flowers because of the crucial role they had in getting me housing. Not only getting me housing but because of their help, I was able to get sober. I am an addict. But I am 4 years clean.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time inside. Although I have a great life. Although I am clean. Mental illness, addiction and trauma have taken its toll and agoraphobia has a substantial impact on how often I am running around the city. Which is not as much as I used to, not by far. However I do get out. Just not as much. And I do live a very joyous life.
I have indulged in many forms of art that I like to pursue on all my platforms, poetry, music, art, graffiti, photography and video. Modeling? Haha. I love wordpress so much; it is a beautiful place.
Maybe I’ll leave it at that for now. A little of who I am and where I am coming from.
I am a digital millennial; the creation of the computer age is oh so nostalgic. Games, music, movies… I grew and so did technology with me; we grew quickly! Don’t tell me not to embrace my inner digital child when you are on WordPress as well. We wander this cyber maze together whether you believe you are stuck in it or not. Whether you believe you are a product of capitalism or have the delusion your spirit is entirely free. No matter; here we are.
I’m not sure why I am even writing this. Is it because I live so deeply in this fantasy realm. Am I rejoicing in this fall of mankind? Is it our fall? Or is this the beginning of something great? Some say we build our own prisons; there is some truth to that relating to the digital realm sure. But is this platform also not freeing? Comforting? Even revolutionary? What are we doing here?
I am up early as usual. 4 AM and thats okay. A little lonely but that’s okay too. If I am with myself I am in good company. Plus I got my cats. I sit thinking about this crazy world as well as my own little trials and tribulations. My thoughts meander about as I awaken. I type to allow myself to unwind; refresh myself and make this day into something beautiful.
I think writing is beautiful. I think blogging is beautiful. An index of thought, ideas, images. A playful world that a wandering mind can explore at their fingertips. I like my blog. And to my readers I wish you a pleasant Saturday.
Its the morning, tired and I got my coffee. So glad to have my blog to sit on. The weather is slightly cool. Which is nice this morning. No need to fret over the day, what comes will come. Hopefully peace. I need this; a peaceful day to reside in slide around in my PJs. If you don’t know me; I am on disability. I consider myself a retired babushka.
Having disabilities comes with so much challenge. If I could work I would much rather be doing that. Hopefully one day! But for now I need to focus on my well being. Not am only am I disabled but I am also dealing with my health problems. Yesterday the doctor sent me to the hospital. Now I have some tests lined up to see if they can find out what is going on with me. What is going on with my gut. Wish me luck.
I sit at the computer with a coffee as I did 10 years ago when this blog began. This time I’m not homeless using the Starbucks wifi. I paid my internet bill yesterday. Its weird because I remember those days like it was yesterday. As hard as some days were, I was queen of the Yukon Shelter for quite some time. Thank you Yukon for giving me a place to sleep. A place to collect myself and get back on my feet. And thank you to MPA Society for all of your help since way back when I was a volunteer.
Thanks to all my supports from shelters to charities to doctors and my own families; I’m holding it down like a success story for addiction, I pray I can continue on; striving for my own liberation.
Things are definitely different now. But I always have to remind myself how this all began. And give thanks. That’s all.
It’s 3 am on March 6th and I have no problems getting up. I feel rested and my watch says I got about 8 hours sleep. Today I have a phone appointment with my housing worker and I have to work on my taxes to get a return. Yesterday I added a new weapon to my collection and it feels dangerous to hold; all new weapons do… Right now I sit and vape drinking vanilla ice coffee, optimistic about the day ahead. I want to play on my switch this morning because theres probably no one awake to talk to at such an ungodly hour, yet these are sometimes my favorite hours; hours of spirituality.
From my window the nights sky looks like a blank black canvas… a big one haha. Which reminds me that these words are like the stars in the sky; cosmic. I’m starting to really get back in the groove of using wordpress. However I still have to get used to it and a lot of the features I used to use I no longer know how; I look back at all of the other posts over the past decade and they fascinate me. I want to continue building this page, to me it has grown into something very special. From the quotes, to the street art, to the love poetry. It was once a memory but if I explore this site I can relive every moment any time I want.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
You must be logged in to post a comment.