I was so lost, could’nt tell truth between fiction
Please grant me forgiveness
My imagination got the best of me
From my psychedelic recipes, weed smoke and drinking sprees
Ecstasy and any pill I could heed
Please forgive me for the lies I seed
But its okay if I sewed my own fate
If that’s the case I can love you from far way
Maybe one day you can hear me
Sending so many apologies.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
-Nina
Today I celebrate 2 years drug and alcohol free.
My poison of choice is alcohol. But I have indulged in everything I could get my hands on.
Drinking for many and every reason.
I didnt attend any meetings or have a counsellor of any sort. I rely on my friends and family to talk to when life throws me curveballs and I’m forever thankful for that.
A big part of my sobriety is very simple. I have housing. I am a success story for providing people with addiction and mental health issues affordable housing.
Once I had my housing I was sober in weeks. I had one relapse. But I quickly got back on track and here we are!
Thanks for reading.
-Nina
Soon the rain comes to wash away dust
Dawn till dusk; tatters the roofs
Clicking and clacking
Seeping and seeking a path
The light reflects in the night; its abstract
The rain in this city is most fitting
To match the tone of poverty and addiction
How many more will I lose
Brothers and sisters forever Im missing
The rain takes my pain and excuse
I spend time sitting and listening
Watching it drip drop off the rooftop
Down my window and into the gutters
I open my shutters for it is fresh like the worlds wounds
Dont worry; Im not in a hurry brother
But Im coming soon.
I am an addict; since twelve
Ive delved.
Weed, crack, heroin, crystal, mushrooms, lsd
More than all of these
Alcohol consumes me
I consume it; fluent in being a nuisance
Constantly picking up shattered pieces
My hands and heart are bleeding
The world seems iced and freezing
Do I still have meaning
Purpose
Am II worthless
These are the questions I ask Looking back at my past
Im trying so hard to keep compusure
Trauma upon trauma with no closure
My central nervous system is shot
So im constantly nervous
Everybody thinks Im happy but that’s just a surface
Im not trying to complain we all have pain
I wanna remain on this plain of love and gains
Music and poetry; the essence of me knowing me
That Im not such a terrible girl
That’s I have so much to offer the world
But Im crying out for help to all my friends and love
I cant do this alone sometimes Im looking above
Can god help me out a bit
Ive fallen and I can never seem to get out of it
A rhyming rant chant of the addict
Sobriety day one; let me have a crack at it.
I have been reborn over and over but… This time is different I’ve never been sober for this long; decades of relentless; alcohol dependence
The days are in the hundreds; gather abundance; knowledge. Confront my fears try to be humble and acknowledge.
Keep focus; meditation half lotus. Buddha quotes rewrote them post them. Try to be open.
Lessons learned; a great deal. I wait still. Time stands still. The virtue of patience.
As I await, awake here.
What is Insite?
In 2003 Vancouver launched In-Site; A facility located in the heart of Vancouvers Downtown East Side in which injection drug users would be provided with clean needles to inject in a supervised setting. The goal of in-site is not only providing a safe way and place to inject; they also strive to provide other health care services for those struggling with addiction and HIV / AIDS. Funded by Vancouver Coastal health Insite faced many legal barriers and still to this day operates in a rather legal grey area in the attempt to maintain the facility in harm reduction model techniques and advocacy for treatment. But the numbers don’t lie and a great change was brought upon the most vulnerable community in British Columbia.
Vancouvers Aids Epedemic:
“When you walked around the West End, it would hit you in the face how many people there were with AIDS. In the mid-1990s, we were diagnosing up to 800 people a year, now it’s more like one per week here in B.C.” – Dr. Julio Montaner;
During that time period BC and in particular in the Downtown East Side, we saw an HIV/AIDS epidemic never seen in North America before. Vancouvers large port city has an extremely large open drug market; as well as having the mildest climate in Canada. The open drug market mixed with affordable housing in DTES Single room occupancies makes Vancouvers eastside a breeding ground for crime and substance use.
Since the opening of In-Site
The new cases of H.I.V. infection have dropped substancially … “B.C. has had such remarkable success arresting acquired immune deficiency syndrome, or AIDS, that in the past 25 years, new cases have steadily dropped and are now 90 per cent below what they were at the beginning of the epidemic.” – BC Centre For Dissease Control.
Speaking from personal experience in the surrounding areas; the visible injecting / scattered needles and drug crime did drop substantially as well.
This video uploaded in 2006 shows the severity of this areas situation and how In-Site combats the issues first hand.
-Nina
Showing no mercy
These streets are cold as ice
Blood sweat and tears
They cost you years
Or your Life
I want you to keep moving
With your head high
No more losing
Using to get by
Your going to get that treatment
Regain control
I know you can defeat this
Precious is your soul.
-Nina
1. The G Code
Drug Cartels and Gangs more often than not live by strict codes. If these groups were to strictly enforce a code against the use of fentanyl it would save lives AND make them more money. Gangs can’t make a profit off of people that are now dead because of their product and would avoid police by doing so. By banning the cutting of products with fentanyl in your groups; you will avoid bad publicity, retaliation for deaths as well as the police.
2. Drug Testing Kits
I’ve seen several documentaries over the past years of people creating stands at concerts so that people may test their drugs before use; non for profit agencies spreading awareness and substance harm reduction. If we were to implicate this same ideology in our vulnerable neighbourhoods it would at least give people a chance to know what they are about to take. We need to make these tests free and largely available to the public.
3. Chinese Import of Fentanyl
Large amounts of the fentanyl found in Canada can be traced back to chinese manufacturing and shipping. Canadian Law Enforcement and International leaders need to crack down on the Chinese imports and come down HARD. Our children are dying here and world needs to take notes on the big players; wheeling and dealing with the lives at risk. Who is at the top of the fentanyl food chain? And cut it off at the head.
4. The Pill Press
Banning the sale, shipping and distribution of the pill press may not solve this issue but it would be a big step in the right direction. The current premier of British Columbia Christy Clark did not want the pill press banned. We should write our leaders and subject them to strong disapproval of how they are handling this crisis. Shame on you Christy Clark.
5. Publicity
The more warnings in media about drug sources and drug awareness would make people think twice about what they put in their body; The Canadian government needs to spend money promoting drug awareness in Public places. In the poor neighbourhoods I go through the most prevalent advertisement is Alcohol. BY FAR. I am not impressed and would rather see a more productive approach to what is subjected to our eyes and our minds.
6. Drug Education
Education on all drugs; being so prevalent in todays society perhaps should be a year around curriculum. This curriculum should be designed and maintained / up-kept on a regular basis to save the lives of this generation and generations to come in a pill filled society. Abstinence of drugs in our schools has never been successful and perhaps harm reduction is a proven tactic to prevent addiction / drug related deaths and increase treatment.
7. In-Sites
Vancouver was one of the first ( If not the first ) In the world to implement safe injection sites. A place where drug users can be assisted / monitored / watched while they inject and can stay in the facility while they are high. It was implemented in order to curb an H.I.V. epidemic in our community which was ranked one of the worst per capita in the world. AND IT WORKED. It saved thousands of lives and new In-Sites are in the works.
8. Legalization of drugs.
The war on drugs did not work. It created a systematic enslavement and increased addiction and poverty in specific communities.
Lets Just BE REALISTIC. And follow suite accordingly giving us a standardized use of drugs before this gets out of control… Oh wait it already is
Please share this post / comment your thoughts on this subject for discussion.
-Nina
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