In the dark; dreams light my way
“Follow your dreams”. A little voice tells me
Like Alice… I am going down the rabbit hole
Running and chasing and fighting my way to… dream on
In the in-between; perfected symmetry
Visions and mimicry of the real
And when I awake; I watch my memories like a theatre in the mind
An intimate study of the self; subconscious
Rules no longer exist and fantasy always persists.
3 am. I sippz coffee again. Ye Im tired so whuh?
I’ll be tired again later, whats the difference?
Come online and talk about my interests.
Follow the links to my wish list
Peace, Love, Happiness-ness.
Nestled in my home temple, no matter what I get into.
I always return to center. The breath I enter.
Knowing every moment is precisely perfection.
Tired for the past couple of days… Not sure why… But I am getting by just fine. As my apartment is spotless and kitchen is full of food. Spending much time browsing online, chatting and digital window shopping… Talking to my friends… Some are doing well and others are not.
Therefor I am thankful for creators… or universes bountiful blessings bestowed upon my life. I think of all I have to be thankful for on more than a daily basis. I do my best to help and create good in the world. Perhaps good karma… Also many people have helped me along the way and sometimes… Its just your turn to help.
I wish there was more I could do but I have many obstacles currently. I have spoken on some of them before. But I have basically chosen sobriety and solitude over everything in life.
Thank you for serenity, bountifulness, sobriety and peace.
Damn the sun shines bright, The warmth is soothing. Peace… Until the later of the day. But we shall see. Thank god I got AC!
So far this morning Ive been emotional. I am an easily triggered girl lol. I always want to see the best in people but sometimes they make it difficult.
Most of my anxiety stems from self. I actually usually put the entire planet on a pedastal above me for the most part. And for some reason… I am worth nothing. I stay sober… I try to make changes for the better. Im trying to heal and rebuild myself. Strengthen my heart and soul.
Its a work in progress.
Anyway if you’re reading this Im sorry for wasting your time. I do this blog for my own therapy lol
-Nina
I dont really feel quite myself at the moment as my heart thump thump thumps
Not quite as relaxing
I must somehow enjoy the rest of this beautiful day…
Now what can be dont besides mindless relaxation… Art perhaps? Cleaning? Youve been meaning to clean out the boxes in the entrance closets but THAT REQUIRES GOING OUTSIDE.
And no one wants that.
Lol…
Games? I seem tired of games. Maybe if I pick it up and start playing I will enjoy it. Or maybe not. Maybe I am depressed.
As I sip this coffee. Well… Guzzle this coffee… It does not seem to help the heart slow down. Neither did the ganja either. When will I ever learn…
But I can’t help it. These are my acts of escapism.
I may not be drinking or sniffing lines popping pills but I am still a junkie by all means. What does that mean? It means Im a dopamine fiend. Squeez it to the last drop.
Nearing ever closer to 2 years sober. This blog doesnt get enough attention. Life is good. I have my issues but nothing stops me from finding happiness. Finding so much joy in the little things. It is spring now and I am enjoying the vibe that the sunshine brings. Right now it is 3:30 In the morning as I awake from a dream about Bob Marley…
Today nothing special is planned, but who knows what is to come. But I am thinking I may be a little tired starting my day at this time. I spend most days chilling out. Sometimes visiting my parents, vibing and walking the dog… A little skateboarding… A very simple life…
Sobriety has allowed me to become a connoisseur… A collector… And a safe and secure life… (Probably a little more important lol) I will be celebrating 600 days soon. And god willing 2 years in September. I often daydream of relapsing… But um… So many of my friends have passed. I must continue to be the survivor. I must live on…
Peace
-Nina
I used to be so inspired and wired upon awaking
The world was mine for the taking, no… for creating
Limitless words to fung shui the pages
Cleanse my mind like sages
The daily splatter of thoughts
Musing jots
To simply juggle in rhyme rhythm
In this physical realm a prison
Words shine like when light hits a chrystal prysm
This type of art is
Simply shine upon the darkness
Giving strength to the week
Courage to the meek
Whatever hurdles you jump to reach the peak
No longer cynical
In the now is the pinnacle
I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another  its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.
But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…
Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.
Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.
Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RVÂ I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….
Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.
My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.
My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.
Optimistically Out!
-Nina
Today I have an appetite to write; Finally back to a stage where I feel comfy sharing my life.
“Its been a hard 6 months but I think I can finally jump back on top of the ball; bounce off the walls happy and giddy… I think that is my true side after all.”…
I used to love to write journal entries in my blog and I think I can do it again.
One of the first things that comes to my mind is you L.C. ;
To my lovely girlfriend it was great to see you yesterday if you are reading this.
Whatever I choose to say doesn’t even really matter; I’d be happy to splatter the page with utter bonkers nonsense. But I don’t really have to do that. Rats…
So it was a hard 6 months being sick and not seeing the love of my life as much as I wish but amazing things have happened to me whether I like to acknowledge them or not.
Wait what are the amazing things? Well… I am still alive; thats one. I have battled mental and physical illness and won. Thats two… I’m still very much in love with my girl… Thats threeeee. I don’t know is three little things amazing enough? Yeah I guess it is.
OH. A year anniversary of moving into my home. Realistically; things are great, I am often just extremely happy to be lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Battling Bipolar comes with some serious depression but I have learned over the past 10 years with it how to deal.
Woah this really is just a rant of nothingness. Hmmm… Nothingness is pretty calm though.
I wonder if I even still have readers that look to my posts after I seemingly started giving less and less…. I suppose I am still writing some poetry of course but It “In my opinion” doesn’t have the same finesse as when I began.
I promise to give it my all. From now on.
Your Nina.
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