About me, Journaling

Small rant.

Leave a comment

I have struggled with agoraphobia my whole life, I didnt really realize it until age 34… What was really going on with me. Is it too late? At 36 I revel in joy when finishing a single task that involves stepping outside of my door. Which isn’t that often, but often enough to give me hope. Sometimes when I go out, I am shaking, trembling in fear… Having a hard time catching my breath. I am afraid of people and I dont know why. It can be very embarrassing, sad, scary; this is what I am dealing with.

Maybe more on this to come…

About me, Journaling

December 3rd Journal

1 Comment

451 days Sober. I arise…

5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.

I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…

It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.

I hope I do.

-Nina

About me, Journaling

December 1st.

Leave a comment

I’m in the new crib as the rain pours at 3 am… Drinking an energy drink and vaping away. So very peaceful… Life feels very kind to me lately and I am gifted many blessings. I am thankful for this… I am still sober, doing art and doing just fine. The ongoing sobriety brings financial prosperity and much peace to go along with it… Also; A healthy body and mind.

I have many goals to achieve but time remains on my side. It would be nice to own a vehicle to travel the province is one of them. Other goals focus on physical and mental well being. Art, poetry and other forms of expression are not goals but I hope to continue creating for the sake of creating. Thankful for all…

I would like to return to a very minimalist lifestyle and this will take patience and perseverance. All things do really I suppose. Its the simple fact upon opening my moving boxes the realization of over-accumulating. And a remembrance of a more simple lifestyle, sometimes less is more!

Thank you Universe for everything.

Nina

Cyberpunk, My Poetry, Poetry

Red Gate

Leave a comment

Solo ride to die, Im alive sliding through the matrix.

Awaked this rhyme replacement for fake shit.

Life can be basic and and at the same time amazing.

Got a few years sober and Im so glad I made it.

Im diciplined! I dismiss the liquids that slit your system.

Trying to function at the junction like some crucifixes.

No merit to inherit just building like pyramids.

I have a fear to live in a world that I can see as clear as this.

So I try. To meditate. I strive. To levitate.

You’d be surprised at what awaits.

Behind the Reddened gates.

So pass on through; say a prayer, be aware.

Reflections of self, the wisdom in the mirror.

Peace.

-Nina

Anime, My Poetry, Poetry

Ride a breeze

Leave a comment

Chilled da fuks out; Let the breeze in

I need moe’ chemical incentives sedative let em’ in too

Cause I been through too much to touch on

Now I’m enhancing my lush lawn, cause the grass is greener

On my side, on the sideline of the van city to infinity

Faded amaze jaded nuff’ to fall asleep on the bus

Headed nowhere fast so the enjoyment lasts

Crushed velvet cushions of clouds I sleep on

Awakened awaiting my fate but I can see dawn

About me, Anime

Journal Nov 4 2023

Leave a comment

Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!

Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…

I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…

Welcome me back if you guys remember me…

About me, Stories

Returning

Leave a comment

There’s something strange about returning to WordPress.

It had brought me so much peace. I had originally created this site living in a homeless shelter and planned to document my life living on the streets… I’m not sure how long exactly I was homeless at the time. Maybe 6 months or so… But I prevailed. From living in different shelters. To eventually buying an RV. To eventually getting a housing subsidy and renting the perfect suite. Then I had a home…

I would drink a lot during my years there but blogging was always there. I would wake up hungover and immediately go to WordPress and found so much joy in making and sharing blog posts. I truly loved it. And now I miss the feeling of it; I miss the satisfying post button… It was especially nice to be posting from my own home. Not the coffee shop WiFi next to the shelter, Or my girlfriend’s house.

On WordPress you create your own little archived world. It can truly be a beautiful thing. To profess what you go through and what you stand for and what you’d like to create. I want to return… So I guess I’m back.