The city is silent on a saturday morning. 4 am
All the light in the highrises… Off… The world in slumber
Yet I have come alive, into this magic place
This place where creation waits to be born
Half asleep, I sip black coffee and vape
Today can be such a wonderful day.
As I wake up clear headed, fresh, and sober, I’d like to reflect.
Two years, 5 months, and 11 days sober.
Is living a sober life good or bad for me? Well I can tell you one thing, I ain’t dead yet! The alcohol may have killed me by now if it weren’t for sobriety. Whether I died from disease, got hit by a train, or stabbed in a fist fight while blacked out. Mixing various drugs and street drugs with the alcohol… What about the other positives?
Being sober (for me) comes with many advantages as well as disadvantages. But I’m sticking with the advantages this morning… My life is stable, no more drunk tanks, arguments and losing friends over bullshit. That’s done… I also don’t have to hustle no more, no need to! And thank god for that. What else… well I don’t sell nothing I own for booz. I also have started collecting various things; I call it feeding my inner child, although I’m a Buddhist I feel my inner child is important. Always be kind to yourself.
Being sober has helped my relationships. With parents, girlfriend, friends, other family members. And I sure as hell ain’t getting into fights with strangers! My parents know I’m trying my best to keep my head up and stay out of trouble despite my mental health problems, they know… So they wouldn’t hesitate to help me in any current situation. And when I was drinking I would often pick fights with everyone, even my girlfriend; who lives far as I’m in a long distance relationship. Life just seems much easier.
Thank you universe for guiding me here and anyone who helped me along the way.
A little rant complete.
If anyone is reading this whom Ive hurt with my drinking, I am truly sorry.
-Nina
Icy cool air meanders to my desk from the cracked window
To where I sit with my coffee to arise and write on wordpress
Today will be a good day, I speak it into existence
The words pass through self, the self is cosmic
So my words speak like stars in the early morning sky; true.
What I choose to do is not important
Similair to the revolution will not be televised
The action and peace takes place only in my mind.
Its good day for mindfulness plus unwind-full-bliss.
Nothing to find, no eye, no thought of shh… persists.
Remain focused! Dont let the monkey mind escape the lotus.
Come back monkey! You thought I wouldn’t notice!
Now have a seat. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.
Recite these mantras, escape away with me.
Give me yer hand. Off to the pure land.
Mindful and monkey together… To serve the world now…
Here again, Tuesday morning at five AM
Pick up a digital pen
Remembering bits and pieces of a dream realm
Remembering is overwhelming
Compelling to try to dig deeper
My subconscious serious thrill seeker
Waking up alone and being alone can be a good thing
I have no master, only the self
My own temple of reflection in depth
Writing is the chosen platform
Having that sworn into the very last word
Words of trial and tribulation?
Against the self, with the self, self determination
Im here with the wordpress rambling jot blot word world nation
And I appreciate the placement.
Im not sure what to think, drinking my coffee.
Is this all worthless or purposeful, my nervousness.
Got me high like a livewire, planet earth.
I want to choose life, not suicidal quite.
But the scitzo-effective symptoms with no remedy.
Trying to be the end of me.
Try to live on and see dawn.
My Buddhist ideology makes me think that we can respawn.
That this goes on and on. I could be wrong.
No more meat and dairy not at all.
No alcohol…
So I hope I can go to a good place
I wonder. What would it take?
Take me away from pain sustained in a new way.
Each breath is a blessing, Resting your mind
Calming you and guiding you with ease
Every moment is taken with awareness of all sensations
Let the daily tasks of life become ones meditation
Always aware and returning to a breath of peace
If hungry? Eat. If tired? Sleep. Simplify life
For example… What possessions do we truly need?
To question is zen… To question is mindfulness
Ask yourself why one would cling to worldly possessions
But let not a possession cloud ones mind either
Return to your breath upon every reflection
To let go of ones worldly attachments will end the suffering
With everything being impermanent, why attach?
Choosing to move on with mindfulness and peace
Think of others and what you may have to offer them for their needs
A childhood saying… Do unto others what you wish done unto you
And after that thought, we return to the breath once again…
In… and out…
Focusing on the breath, let your thoughts come and go,
Do not dwell on them
Let the thought go…
In… and out…
I choose happiness, I choose life
It feels like dark times, but I’ll be alright
Time to grow in knowledge and strength
Who knows the time of length
But I shall inherit my future I build
Whether rushing fast or empty still
Must endure the pains for gains
Because I cannot wait my life away.
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