Tag Archives: Journaling

The art of finding oneself. – Nina

More often than not we are told how to live, right?

Take a minute to evaluate.

Starting off in a classroom for years and even decades on end, you sit, sit to learn; Christopher Columbus discovered America and how to find the square route of random numbers. Sigh*

Did human evolution naturally incline us to spend our most important years of growth in a chair? I think not…….

We graduate, we’ve learned how to follow orders and build bridges for our employers… laws of the land; creating barriers physically and financially more and more as life progresses. The idea of a 9-5 and a white picket fence and 3 kids. Even if it is graspable for the lucky few, we struggle to move forward.

“Did you stop, stop to reevaluate the ingrained ideology placed upon you?”.

Individuality is becoming farther and farther less prevalent as we strive to get the same jobs, same cars, computers and apparel… We want to be beautiful or successful financially in essence… bombarding us in advertisements and corporate agenda.

Some say in order to find oneself, one must lose themself; similarly in religions in the aspect of being “reborn,”. Every day we wake up from a subconscious state, back into the conscious reality. Every day is a chance to be reborn.

What I am trying to portray is that “change” is this key. To Lose yourself… be reborn…

It all starts with you. As much as the daily routine brings you comfort it can also be your prison.

Escape it.

Fear not what change may bring unto you.

“Imagine”.

Who you are and where you can be. Erase all fear they have instilled inside your heart.

Be free.

Note to self. – Nina

Don’t feel so down, you are an inspiration

You’ve got a gift with inclinations

Your a beautiful soul with permanent growth

You extend a hand up and always woman or man up

To any situation…

It’s your world beautiful

You can be free anytime, cause freedom is in here

In your heart, depart to anywhere

You love and are loved, that’s a fact

Don’t feel alone when you’re intact and attached to love

Just relax…

 

About me :) Pt. 5

I’m 50 days clean and sober which is more than I can honestly say I’ve ever done in any past attempts. When my anxiety gets bad I think how far I’ve come from being homeless just a few months ago to a beautiful apartment in my most desired neighborhood…

I liked to party… or maybe a more serious way to put it, I liked to get Fucked Up… and also self medicated in extremely dangerous mixes of substance and situations, seriously Fucked Up situations I put myself in to do so. I can’t begin to describe how lucky I feel to be alive. Daunting memories and situations I have to try to deal with and leave in the past.

Lucky for me, after um… using random shit for 10 years or more, I never died in my sleep nor physically hurt anyone other than myself as far as I know. I worry so dearly about all the people I grew close to and It’s great to see my close friends in a recovery zone too, we’re all in this together and nothing is easy to do alone.

Art is so important, expression and the act of simple creativity. That’s an addiction I can never, ever… leave behind. Blogging has been a great outlet, something to look forward to when I wake up, read articles and poetry and sharing a little bit of what inspires me and keeps me grounded. I’d say it’s played a positive role in my life, recovery (whatever you want to call it). I don’t think blogging about my experience in the streets is in store anytime soon but I thought it would be a nice note to leave the world that… I’ve been through a lot but, I’m doing better than alright.

Peace n love.

Nina

Untitled – Nina

Stopped for a moment, your pause awaits response.

I reply simply a clause initially flawed; you gaze in awe.

I have guideline on my timeline refined rhymes that define: I

Raps attached to gun toting n exploding that are of a frozen stat.

Love infinite; dismissed diminishing oblivious differences.

Opposing that.

I break the chains of the vicious cycle malicious carnivorous.

Do you have a moment to change fate? My pen n pad a gateway….

Man-made, stake-claims, fake-gains of “dollar bills”.

You got to.

“main-tain”.

 

Right.

-Nina

 

 

I was about to cry; Then I felt the universe. -Nina

Sitting alone it’s pitch black before the dawn.

Stars in the sky.

I have had my issues with depression, the weight of the universe making me about to make me cry.

“No Nina,”.

It’s not the weight upon you; causing this sensation…

it is the energy trying to flow through you.

This world is moving and flowing at unimaginable rates and molecular mathematics.

I let the energies of it all flow through me; it takes but a millisecond to feel it.

Like a river.

Flow through my body and take all my pain away.

To literally feel time, space and matter for just that one moment.

Do not fight the flow of the raging river was a Zen tale I always enjoyed, perhaps it applies in all moments.

This flowing universe ; we live amongst the endless stars.

Stop to feel it,

If you need to.

 

-Nina

Zen Poetry: The trouble is. – Nina

I was fine with the struggle but the trouble is…

“The struggle is,”.
Beautiful the struggle is…
But painful, the words mustering.

It’s said life is suffering.
I attempt to uproot But the trouble is; the suffering.
“Has deep roots “.
I must attempt to uncover this…

Where did all begin? I’m wondering…
The trouble is, wondering the suffering roots is;
“uncomforting…”.

Meditating on uncomforting subjectives, suffering and
All of a sudden I find nothingness*
Even the monk searches by searching “nothingness,”.

The trouble is…

Survival. – Nina

How lucky can I be.

I’ve survived all I’ve seen.

How many of these streets.

Nights and memories.

I’ve been paralyzed by thought.

Traps that I was caught.

Bleeding in the streets.

Many lessons I was taught.

I escaped unscathed.

My mind bathes in yesterdays.

All the different ways,

That I chose that I would play.

Cityscape playgrounds, money and indulgence.

Self destructive lust, my control was that of nothing.

How many others… survived the jungle traps.

I hope that you’ve all survived.

The things we grew attached.

Myself Pt. 4

Being you.

I have no problem being myself; it took me a long time to get here. I feel like growing up I tried to be a million different versions of me or some shit, never really taking the time to settle into my own skin and spirituality. Knowing I am going to be working on me, working forever. But being yourself, your going to enjoy it. Enjoy that work.

Time is a crazy concept.

I can’t go back in time and rearrange my mentality or prevent myself from a bipolar diagnosis and frequent panic attacks, I can’t say that smoking that shit is going to fuck up your life. Picking your shit up and moving on is priceless. I have a life of constant change and that’s extremely important. I can adapt like it’s nothing in the face of everything. So this time I’m granted I’m going to try and see it for what it is; what I can do with it. Make something out of it. Lasting forever.

Right now I’m doing me.

I make my own rules and goals, positive and never self destructive. I put down the bottle just to get a grip on my own life. I caught it good this time, really moving forward and exploring sides of myself I used to be afraid of. You got to give yourself props sometimes. I love just being creative and putting myself out, there’s always something to be created, for the world.

It’s important to have someone on your side.

Someone that understands your struggles and loves you, you know? In a non judgemental way, in more of a “here let me help you deal with this,”. Followed by. “Okay good now… You got this”.

It doesn’t have to be your lover but in my case it most definitely is, I used to always feel like my battle was lonesome, no matter what my social and family life was like. I’m lucky, I’ll just say that.

Ending note.

I always say that no one listens to me. I’m full of shit cause one of the people not listening to me is me. Haha*

Or maybe not paying close attention and can’t stay focused. Haha*

So listen to yourself! What is your heart and soul trying to say to “you”; just you and not the world. It all starts within.

—!Nina !!—-

You and I; The intimate twins

You and I.

Are perfect….

 

Twins

Obserd but sounds good to my soul to hear it, maybe the word fits.

 

 

It can be easily explained but our complexity is vast.

I love you, I don’t want you to worry about anything,

Anything you need, just ask.

 

……

 

 

We grew together, naturally and happily.

My muse, sappilly, I’m enjoying your teasie casually, cheesy sassiness.

 

……

 

Thank the universe for calming morning rainfall.

Peeling us apart is always intensely painful can make me go

awol…

 

…..

 

Nevertheless…

I’m at a place I’ve never attained

so I want this feeling forever engrained.

I was enslaved.

You broke my chains.

 

……

 

Love, spirituality: Growth;

a bond never to be broke.

Love songs.

The highest of note.

 

……

 

I want us to be infinitely intimate;

My twin,

my lover

and my biggest gift.

 

 

To L.C.

Love Nina