Tag Archives: Journaling

Love, Writing

Good times with my girl. A Nina update.

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Today was amazing. Not even having a giant thorn surgically removed from my back brought me down… The morning was chill.

Just with my girl in the morning was nice, she took her time to wake up while I blogged and read other blog posts. I cuddled with her for a while just hoping she’d get up and it worked.

We eventually decided to go shoot some hoops at the park.

Hahaha

About 30 minutes in I run to go grab the ball… tripping slightly on my heel I fell into some thorns. Okay A LOT of thorns. I’m kind of bloody right… I thought it was all good despite the intense pain and quickly finished the game and rolled home.

I went to the mirror and turned around to see my back and what do you fucking know…. A large piece of thorn was like…. pushing the skin out on my back. I thought shit… how the fuck am I gon get this wood outta my back…it looked nasty! my girl was far too squeamish to go surgical style on this nasty looking situation. That made her a little upset but…

She drove me to a clinic and it was so deep into my back muscle they said they were going to just leave me a little cut open and come back in a few days to remove it. So uhhhhhhh I was thinking and quickly convinced this doctor to do whatever it takes… necessary…to get it out . Like: immediately.

Anesthetic worked fine and she pulled it out. Tetanus shot. Bandaid n…

I’m home and it’s all good.

Good day.

– Nina. 🙂

Poetry, Writing

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

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Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

Poetry, Writing

Journaling exercise mind map. Photo of me at Buddhist Association of Vancouver

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Where I want to go with my work:

Hosting groups, writing and music groups and helping with food banks around greater Vancouver. Non for profit organizations and homeless shelters or helping teach art and video production for at risk youth. Possibly helping lgbt groups for adults or youth. Collaborating with community art or gardening projects.

With my art:

Exploring myself, practicing Buddhist art and attempting to incorporate it into my graffiti. Writing more in depth personal blog posts and articles surrounding important world issues and politics. NOT GETTING ARRESTED. Taking time to do what is important ; needing to be done.

Spirituality:

Continue practicing meditation daily; the more the better. Reading and writing surrounding Zen and Zen Buddhism. Remaining focussed on vegetarianism / healthy diet. Going green, reducing plastic use and composting/ recycling.

My Poetry, Poetry, Zen

Jotting rhymes in moments .- Nina

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Literature is a little bit illiterate.

It’s not deliberate I figure it’s..m

Just a step taken not mistaken

When the pen hits the pad not much is

Forsaken

Life taken for granted

Backhandslappin’ myself

like I’m my own mother giving lashes

But I be splashing in the pools of time; unwind

My mind

Into sublime

I find. My peace in single moments

then I hold it….

Oh so deeply . oh if you could see» into my mind

The magic amidst the tragic you’ll find;

It’s a little bit fragmented but sentiments unprecedented whenever

I get a good vibrations I let it reside into the residence

Resignate mmmm, my soul escapes 

I’m so awake

Here and now, now and here.

And

All is clear.

 

Nina

My Poetry, Poetry

“If my poem could push past poetry” – Nina

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“if my poem could push past poetry”

If my poems could push past poetry…

Instead : an interstellar traveling vast opening

Then I’d have wide eyes / surprised I defined: time

Defined I…

Imagine an imagination with an application for mass creation

Would it be God? Naw…

Non applicable. Sub supersonic dubbed myracle

Left the spherical earthly worldly ways / my words create worlds lyrical

So where am I at in my meditations?

I’m gone, I left long ago and left this replacement.

“A poem.”

 

By Nina

Poetry, Writing

Writing important? Journaling? Being an artist? About me: Nina

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I wrote a couple poems this morning; Releasing thoughts is important and bottling emotions is dangerous to say the least. Although writing isn’t a cure perhaps it is a permanent insight to the root, the roots of joy or sorrow. After such release I can move on and forward or upward.

I’m no Shakespeare but you don’t need a degree in writing to make a story; to create a feeling, realization or actualization. Writing is often a reflection of self for me in particular, the changes in my minds chemistry and life’s situational events. I don’t intend to write anything in particular or film or draw or paint. It’s simply…Outside world internalized and vice versa.

The importance of simply applying pen to paper (even when you dont, didn’t…want to) can be a tool for writers block, frustration, etc. “Apply ass to chair,”. My teacher would say* I read a book called : The Artists Way and it spoke of writing or journaling for one hour each morning and to spend at least one day a week on “an artists vacation”; meaning to spend one day a week doing things new or… finding inspiration, joy and possibly profound. Don’t become captive to a routine, life was not meant to be lived like a “to do list”.

I truly love wordpress for the writers I’ve encountered. I love it for its photography and news. For the most part we’re here to create, express, inform and just maybe… change the world, one thought and line at a time. Thanks for following me, I follow anyone following me and am often overwhelmed but I thank each and everyone for contributing to the artistic processes.

Featured image art by: Mear-One

Have an amazing day,

-Nina

Anime, My Poetry, Poetry

Where does pain abide? – Nina

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tumblr_n2howaAtRL1smyby2o1_500.jpgI do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.

Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering

with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday

Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,

feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…

missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time

more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths

self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?

photoedit_1444759925825Confused…

About me

A little about Nina. At 3 AM

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It’s morning time again, 3 am ;feeling absolutely amazing to wake up this early.Yesterday was a spectacular day with my girlfriend and I, we cooked for each other, cuddled and did random stuff but; everything was “just right”.This morning it’s great to have such serenity in the midnight hour to write away, I feel extremely care-free.  

Life is interesting how things can change, turn around, for better or for worse. I’m extremely blessed to be where I’m at and I should try and use it to better myself ( and I am), over 60 days sober and no longer living in a homeless shelter as I was a few months ago ( it’s complicated) . Now…Being with the woman of my dreams in the house of my dreams. I took myself off of facebook, finding wordpress to be a far better creative outlet. Loving whom and what I’ve found here.

Doing a lot of traditional art and throwing videos on YouTube My YouTube Channel . I find all forms of art extremely addicting, perfect for avoiding idle hands. I know my work doesn’t go unappreciated but I think most artists are always striving for more and more. I don’t even have a computer but I still strive to be posting videos. The thing about videos is once saved, it’s content you can always use… forever.

So I’m in my new house! Having moved in on January first we put this whole house together almost from scratch under $200 and it’s just oh so perfect. We have 1 floor almost brand new everything and I live on almost like an island in the middle of the inner city, I cross a bridge down the street and I can hop on the sky train (subway) to anywhere in the City. I’ve always wanted to live in this neighborhood, my cousin lived here and we were always kind of close. I’ve had many adventures here, always saw myself living here… manifest Destiny?

Here I am in the manifestation, it feels good and I think I know where I am going. I’m going to great places with the one I love, creating beautiful things, building with the community, being sober, being a teacher and a role model, being my genuine self and sharing this love and love of life with the world.

With love,

Nina

 

 

About me, Anime, My Poetry, Poetry, Writing

Why?… a ramble. – Nina

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11849395_1620664041525281_32927345_n.jpgAn interesting thought.

I’m content in my body n that’s cool cause like… I was a boy once

I am rambling because one must ramble as a writer.

Cooking is a delight, I do it with love.

I miss the summertime when I fell in love, although I never fell out it was a beautiful time.

The never-ending sunshine I had the tan of a goddess, bikini on constantly.

Now it rains and seemingly only rains, it will pass.

I do a lot of art to keep my mind preoccupied by this weather prison.

What am I even rambling about and why are you reading this?

Go home.

Nina

About me, My Poetry, Poetry, Stories

The rambling concrete – Nina

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I’m beautiful with Audacity, “They call you Shade?!” He said. ” You’re shaded indeed…”. She’s nice with the raps. In depth, the homies in disguise he liked to say…

 I’m up many hours before the sunrise to explore myself. Dreaming of fleeting escape, no longer trapped. The raindrops scatter my city and it won’t be long before I’m unseen in the masses; trainbound. You don’t need fare for the Zion train just hop on board.

I’m beautiful with audacity indeed. I love my markers and spray paint; my skateboard and my slap sticker collection of winking flowers and dripping calligraphy. My magnum markers leave them to manage the damage; I’m constantly redecorating the City.

I’ve found my comfort in the dark places and euphoric ignorance. Through the streets and alleyways, trains and buses. I watch this shit twists and turns over many years amongst this science of drug trade and gentrification . It doesn’t take long to be immune to the needles scattered along the pathways, human feces and drug trade swap meets. We got it.  And it’s all for sale.

“Come here girl…”.

I found my home in the streets at a young age; my concrete playground. I’ve found… something… I see something. The streets are yours was the message written along the tattered wall. I want nothing from it, perhaps peace or a sense of purpose. Surely not money nor a drug rush, I have left such in the past.

Just “Be easy going,”.

 

Nina