Tag Archives: Journaling

Poetry

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

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Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

Writing

Feeling positive; Just jotting like a journal.

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I’m quite thankful to be alive and well, writing away; although I feel a serious writers block. Fuck writers block. Ill just start typing. They say to just write anyways so…Im happy!

The hot weather is extremely overdue in my life so I’m sunbathing lots lately; catching a tan and spending far more time outside. Last summer is when I met my love, bringing me extremely positive vibes.

I’m rarely anxious or dysphoric lately and generally just feeling pretty Damn good; finding myself dancing, drawing and going out without even bothering to do my makeup. I don’t always need it to feel “pretty” so I can just be me. No worries. On the note of dysphoria; Ordering my birth certificate today to get my name change going (also extremely overdue). My girlfriend has done it now I’m playing catch up. It’s going to be a long, brutal process but it’s all good.

Right now I’m staying at my parents house helping them with their move into a new home in July, they are selling the house I grew up in which might not hit me till later but now I’m happy for them because they got a nice new spot lined up. Changes for me? Nothing major lately but I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend this week for a week straight instead of on and off which makes me happy.

Very happy.

Yes. Good times.

-Nina

Love, Poetry, Transgender

Today in story form. -Nina

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I promised myself that I would write today for the sake of writing but I don’t feel like I’m forcing it at all. I woke up this morning around 7 o’clock and saw the sunshine cascading through the cracks of my blinds knowing it was going to be a beautiful day. I quickly had coffee, got dressed and did my make-up, exited to run round the city. Walked down the block to get some change for the bus and as I was walking I could swear the flagger girl directing traffic called my name “Nina!” and told me to have a good day… “You too!”… I said smilingly.

I didn’t even exactly decide where I was going; either to pick up a check or to see the love of my life n wake her up n surprise her. As situations played out I stayed on the bus heading to grab the money n grab her after. I sat at the back of the bus truly enjoying this beautiful weather, people, vibes along the river on marine drive south Vancouver. A little girl got on the bus and ran down the isle sitting beside me noticing the art on my tablet; sparking conversations on graffiti, dragons and being transgender at an age …probably 4 years old. I truly love this city; feeling so safe and sound…

I rode around the city bus by bus and got the dough I needed for rent, met up with my lover for breakfast and decided to go shopping. I found a leather studded purse and golden heart bracelets while Larissa grabbed a new summer dress n a very cute bra..She kept thanking me for coming to get her and go shopping n I didn’t know why… until she put it on the dress; I have to say she looked stunning. It’s still hot and sunny as I type this away from my new home maxin n relaxin in my bikini, naturally happily.

lol

love you hun.

-Nina

 

 

About me, Writing

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

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Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

Photography, Writing

Skating, Photography and Sobriety

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Sobriety has left me with a serious amount of time on my hands and at first I saw it as a burden (because I’m an idiot) but have now realized it’s a great blessing for me to peruse anything I want. I don’t have many friends in the City anymore for various reasons but that just leaves me with even more freedom; not having to please anyone or be urged into getting back into drugs and alcohol. It feels really good to be writing this right now because I can see a version of me; she is happy and free.

I’m feeling extremely positive, leaving the depression behind me and conquering the anxiety. One thing I’m excited about is skating, I went and got my skateboard re-gripped yesterday and am dreaming of all the concrete possibilities. I started skateboarding back when I was 6 years old after my next door neighbors held a block party with a half pipe. My curiosity led my parents to allow me complete freedom with my skate, turning the steep hills of my neighborhood to race tracks for adrenaline chasing little kids like me and my friends. Skateboarding never left my life, I’ve fractured my knee and tore my ACL skating so I’m cautious but it didn’t stop me or slow me down. I’ve been skating the park down the street a few times since we moved into this new place; it’s an odd one but I’m so Damn thankful it’s there.

Another passion of mine I have more time to persue is photography and film. I’m not really sure what to tell you about that other than that I live in an extremely beautiful and diverse city in Vancouver; so even a day of just strolling around with my camera could be a great day in itself.

The weather forecast for the next week is hot and sunny.

Wish me luck.

Nina

Hip Hop, Transgender, Writing

Goodnightnina Dot WordPress. About me pt. ?

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    I usually hate writing about myself but I reinforce myself to write about something every day, it’s therapeutic and creates content allowing people into my experiences. I’m up early this morning; as I am every morning at 5 AM. Jumping directly into wordpress and slapping away at the keyboard painting some sort of picture: Me.

I’m me. Transgender and proud; artist. I don’t hide my identity and no one who’s transgender should have to but unfortunately in society I know there’s far too many staying in the closet. I’m hoping to be a representation of why not to, and how much better your life can be. Simply being yourself. Im some ways I think my visibility makes a difference; other days I feel like I don’t exist, but hey. You’re reading this aren’t you?

My name is Nina. I’m an extroverted b girl; Into all elements of hip hop. I draw, paint and create. I write poetry, lyrics, journaling and small articles. I’m a filmmaker and video editor. I’m vegetarian and love to cook. I like reading, mostly Buddhist books and spiritual books. I graduated college; studying mental health. I watch a lot of movies with my girlfriend and I’m happily taken. I like to skateboard n play basketball.

Welcome to my blog. I blog Gaffiti, Art, Street Photography, Buddhist Philosophy, Poetry, and anything thought provoking or visually… beautiful!

 

Love, Poetry, Writing

Happiness and silliness on a dreary morning.

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If it doesn’t pour rain, skate park at 7 am? I’m drinking coffee, watching silly T.V. shows on a big comfy couch with my lover. Cloud filled sky and our tired eyes; early risers today: 4 AM.

Unsure of what to write about but smile nevertheless and jot digital scribbles.

She’s looking through the “free” section on craigslist..

Micro-Fibre love seat. It looked rather odd.

She’s hit major scores lately though

52 inch TV…

Beautiful stained wood vanity type dresser…

House is looking wonderful!

On my 4th cup of coffee now. I’m a fiend for the beans from awakening to coffee as desert after dinner. It’s a bittersweet addiction; sometimes a cause of anxiety… It reminds me of chocolate; even though I drink it black. Yum.

“Are we supposed to do anything today?” I ask her.

Not that I know of…

🙂

She’s stroking my face with her feet.

“This is how I’d love you if I had no hands”.

Sips coffee*

Poetry

Op-tea-mystic. Optimistic

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Feeling better these days and grateful for life, loving girlfriend and parents. The days seem bright, hard not to smile and hard not to be slightly giddy and silly. I’ve bounced back to the happy me that believes in herself and can conquer the world. Dysphoria is gone; feeling beautiful as ever and not having panic attacks at all. Thanking my lucky stars!

The weather is warming up in Vancouver; Even the rain is warm. More and more sunny days has us playing basketball and me skateboarding. I kinda feel like I’ve been hibernating which is NOT like me so… I am delighted that winter has come to an end. To say the least.

I’ve definitely settled into the new place and there’s nothing else needing to be added to our new home. We managed to fully furnish a large suite for under $300 it’s probably closer to $200. I feel extremely comfortable living here and am extremely thankful for that as well.

Writing and blogging and video logging has given me outlets of creativity instead of wasting time away. I love hopping on here (wordpress) in the morning with some coffee to see what everyone is offering up to the world which is cool. I’m not sure how to make the perfect WordPress layout on my page but it’s all good.

It’s all good.

Nina

Thank you my love for the photo. ❤

 

Writing

Yesterday morning. :)

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Yesterday was beautiful. I had woken up at 3 am, happily blogging.. but Around 7 I decided to go out… There’s a skatepark a few blocks from my house; I had been wanting to skate it but alone at first as not to embarrass myself getting used to it. Not a cloud in the sky I walked a few blocks to it and put my bag on a bench.

It’s mostly transition with some vicious vert walls. (Video coming soon). It was a lot of fun. Sun had risen and I had the whole place to myself, riding around my new playground, getting the feel for it I’ve desperately desired since I moved here in January. I did take one fall but Damn I hadn’t skated since last summer!

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Headphones blaring and nothing but concrete and metal; I exploded its potential.

Now I’m ready to really ride this park.

It’s dope what the cities in and around Vancouver do for skaters. We have infinite skateparks honestly.

 

 

Queensborough skate park.

I give you 8 out of 10 stars.

Level advanced.

Too much fun!

 

-Nina

 

Transgender

Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina