Tag Archives: Journaling exercise

Poetry, Writing

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

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Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

My Poetry, Poetry, Zen

Jotting rhymes in moments .- Nina

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Literature is a little bit illiterate.

It’s not deliberate I figure it’s..m

Just a step taken not mistaken

When the pen hits the pad not much is

Forsaken

Life taken for granted

Backhandslappin’ myself

like I’m my own mother giving lashes

But I be splashing in the pools of time; unwind

My mind

Into sublime

I find. My peace in single moments

then I hold it….

Oh so deeply . oh if you could see» into my mind

The magic amidst the tragic you’ll find;

It’s a little bit fragmented but sentiments unprecedented whenever

I get a good vibrations I let it reside into the residence

Resignate mmmm, my soul escapes 

I’m so awake

Here and now, now and here.

And

All is clear.

 

Nina

Anime, My Poetry, Poetry

Where does pain abide? – Nina

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tumblr_n2howaAtRL1smyby2o1_500.jpgI do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.

Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering

with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday

Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,

feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…

missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time

more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths

self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?

photoedit_1444759925825Confused…

About me

A little about Nina. At 3 AM

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It’s morning time again, 3 am ;feeling absolutely amazing to wake up this early.Yesterday was a spectacular day with my girlfriend and I, we cooked for each other, cuddled and did random stuff but; everything was “just right”.This morning it’s great to have such serenity in the midnight hour to write away, I feel extremely care-free.  

Life is interesting how things can change, turn around, for better or for worse. I’m extremely blessed to be where I’m at and I should try and use it to better myself ( and I am), over 60 days sober and no longer living in a homeless shelter as I was a few months ago ( it’s complicated) . Now…Being with the woman of my dreams in the house of my dreams. I took myself off of facebook, finding wordpress to be a far better creative outlet. Loving whom and what I’ve found here.

Doing a lot of traditional art and throwing videos on YouTube My YouTube Channel . I find all forms of art extremely addicting, perfect for avoiding idle hands. I know my work doesn’t go unappreciated but I think most artists are always striving for more and more. I don’t even have a computer but I still strive to be posting videos. The thing about videos is once saved, it’s content you can always use… forever.

So I’m in my new house! Having moved in on January first we put this whole house together almost from scratch under $200 and it’s just oh so perfect. We have 1 floor almost brand new everything and I live on almost like an island in the middle of the inner city, I cross a bridge down the street and I can hop on the sky train (subway) to anywhere in the City. I’ve always wanted to live in this neighborhood, my cousin lived here and we were always kind of close. I’ve had many adventures here, always saw myself living here… manifest Destiny?

Here I am in the manifestation, it feels good and I think I know where I am going. I’m going to great places with the one I love, creating beautiful things, building with the community, being sober, being a teacher and a role model, being my genuine self and sharing this love and love of life with the world.

With love,

Nina

 

 

Art, Poetry, Writing

A check in with Nina ( About me part 5 )

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So I’ve been  blogging for about two months now, this isn’t my first time trying wordpress but I have never been this dedicated and with this much purpose. As a transgender artist I think my presence as a writer, youtube artist, rapper, graffiti artist and poet speaks volumes on the great changes to myself and other trans individuals across the world. Please join me.

I never in my life would have thought of “putting myself out there” for the world the way I have been doing, especially on my YouTube, especially as a trans girl! Www.YouTube.com/innashademusic. (Please check me out and subscribe). But as I grow older I realize how important self expression and art can really be! That, and conquering your fears. This is very important….Sometimes a samurai has to shed their armor.

I was terrified to transition to a girl full time. But in the end it saved my life and I could not possibly be happier on how it turned out. An outspoken artist I remain and I feel as though my transition is done. I’ve grown so much over the past few years and I just want to share this hope and inspiration with trans people and people in general alike.

I’d like this blog to really grow into something special, my followers have risen and I am ecstatic to get reactions and feedback from my work. We all grow artistically together here on wordpress; unlike facebook I get on WordPress and completely dedicate myself to writing and posting something special for the masses. The closer I can grow to my readers and fellow bloggers the more I’m going to progress.

I am in no way, shape or form a perfect person but they say the lotus flower can only bloom in the mud. As I work on my craft I’d like to thank the people pushing me along; to keep me creating and writing, drawing and filming. I’m going to keep pushing, harder than I ever have before. Perhaps I’ll start sharing more and more personal stories on WordPress because I do have many stories and lessons; a lifetime of struggle and success in its overcoming glory. To share.

Thank you.

– Nina

 

 

 

About me, My Poetry, Poetry

Note to self. – Nina

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Don’t feel so down, you are an inspiration

You’ve got a gift with inclinations

Your a beautiful soul with permanent growth

You extend a hand up and always woman or man up

To any situation…

It’s your world beautiful

You can be free anytime, cause freedom is in here

In your heart, depart to anywhere

You love and are loved, that’s a fact

Don’t feel alone when you’re intact and attached to love

Just relax…

 

Poetry, Stories, Writing

About me :) Pt. 5

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I’m 50 days clean and sober which is more than I can honestly say I’ve ever done in any past attempts. When my anxiety gets bad I think how far I’ve come from being homeless just a few months ago to a beautiful apartment in my most desired neighborhood…

I liked to party… or maybe a more serious way to put it, I liked to get Fucked Up… and also self medicated in extremely dangerous mixes of substance and situations, seriously Fucked Up situations I put myself in to do so. I can’t begin to describe how lucky I feel to be alive. Daunting memories and situations I have to try to deal with and leave in the past.

Lucky for me, after um… using random shit for 10 years or more, I never died in my sleep nor physically hurt anyone other than myself as far as I know. I worry so dearly about all the people I grew close to and It’s great to see my close friends in a recovery zone too, we’re all in this together and nothing is easy to do alone.

Art is so important, expression and the act of simple creativity. That’s an addiction I can never, ever… leave behind. Blogging has been a great outlet, something to look forward to when I wake up, read articles and poetry and sharing a little bit of what inspires me and keeps me grounded. I’d say it’s played a positive role in my life, recovery (whatever you want to call it). I don’t think blogging about my experience in the streets is in store anytime soon but I thought it would be a nice note to leave the world that… I’ve been through a lot but, I’m doing better than alright.

Peace n love.

Nina

Hip Hop, My Poetry, Poetry

Untitled – Nina

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Stopped for a moment, your pause awaits response.

I reply simply a clause initially flawed; you gaze in awe.

I have guideline on my timeline refined rhymes that define: I

Raps attached to gun toting n exploding that are of a frozen stat.

Love infinite; dismissed diminishing oblivious differences.

Opposing that.

I break the chains of the vicious cycle malicious carnivorous.

Do you have a moment to change fate? My pen n pad a gateway….

Man-made, stake-claims, fake-gains of “dollar bills”.

You got to.

“main-tain”.

 

Right.

-Nina

 

 

Art, Love, Poetry, Writing

I was about to cry; Then I felt the universe. -Nina

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Sitting alone it’s pitch black before the dawn.

Stars in the sky.

I have had my issues with depression, the weight of the universe making me about to make me cry.

“No Nina,”.

It’s not the weight upon you; causing this sensation…

it is the energy trying to flow through you.

This world is moving and flowing at unimaginable rates and molecular mathematics.

I let the energies of it all flow through me; it takes but a millisecond to feel it.

Like a river.

Flow through my body and take all my pain away.

To literally feel time, space and matter for just that one moment.

Do not fight the flow of the raging river was a Zen tale I always enjoyed, perhaps it applies in all moments.

This flowing universe ; we live amongst the endless stars.

Stop to feel it,

If you need to.

 

-Nina

Hip Hop, Poetry

Survival. – Nina

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How lucky can I be.

I’ve survived all I’ve seen.

How many of these streets.

Nights and memories.

I’ve been paralyzed by thought.

Traps that I was caught.

Bleeding in the streets.

Many lessons I was taught.

I escaped unscathed.

My mind bathes in yesterdays.

All the different ways,

That I chose that I would play.

Cityscape playgrounds, money and indulgence.

Self destructive lust, my control was that of nothing.

How many others… survived the jungle traps.

I hope that you’ve all survived.

The things we grew attached.