Tag Archives: About me

Love, Transgender, Writing

Breaking Trans: I’m having a panic attack stepping’ out the door for more. For what?

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My stupid ___ mother___ bulls____ anxiety that is absolutely absurd ___ed me over today…to be worrin’ bout whatever the ****! people think of me when I’m hopping’ buss’s and riding around the city? For what…? Why…? I don’t know why…  but its painful !(physically) ….it’s become an issue for me all of a sudden but I do recognize the ins and outs of it! Yeah there gon’ be some people that’ll judge the trans sector of society but we can’t let that stop us from being ourselves… So amidst the  panic attacks I step out the door. Maybe not just for me, maybe I step out that door for other trans and genderqueer people or maybe I do it to show myself that anxiety is but an illusion created by a chemical imbalance in my mind.

I don’t know!

Trans people make up 0.03 of the population of the world making us very much a minority yeah thats true but…There are always going to be good and bad days for everyone, not just people with anxiety and not just trans people. Millions of people across the globe fight there own personal demons and nightmares.

But today I broke mine when I stepped out the door.

Breaking anxiety and breaking trans! 🙂

So shout outs to “me” in my red dress and L.A. Fitted Cap.

Lol.

Glad to be home.

Nina

Love, Poetry, Transgender, Zen

Jotting my journal away! – Nina

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Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts.  If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.

I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life.  So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.

When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.

The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.

I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…

I’m doing good. I am still working on it  and “keep it movin'”.   Always!—- forward.

Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and  I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.

Stay beautiful, stay strong.

Peace

Nina

 

 

 

Poetry

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

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Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

Poetry, Transgender, Writing

Thank you for the support. And always keep it movin’.

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The stress of being a trans girl and manic depressive is sometimes overwhelming but I feel as though I always come out on top. Sure I have my days of dysphoria or anxiety to the point of panic attacks and teardrops. But I also have days that I conquer the world; constantly doing things I didn’t think I could do and have never done before. Few months ago I was living in the streets and not knowing what was going to happen;  and that didn’t even bother me so much in the cold of winter, I just knew I was safe, and I was too strong to let it take me over. Being in the homeless shelter didn’t even make me flinch. Now I’m living in a beautiful spot and STILL sober. STILL not slummin’ my life away for the fuck of it. Honestly… You got to just keep it movin’.

I used to use every excuse in the book to pick up bottles and self indulge in anything and everything self indulgence means…

When we have our bad days we aught to use them even more wisely than the good days. Some of my best writing, art and videos are from the worst moments in my life. You can use your pain as power. When you do shit you’re afraid of doing just cause you can it brings you to a whole new place. When my girlfriend helped release me from many shells I was hiding in; I was again reborn. Always being reborn. She’s the world to me and I couldn’t do it on my own. And the streets showed me that I’m part of something bigger than just myself and my life. I’ve been told that I inspire people; I dont know how much of an inspiration I can be but I guess that I am truly trying, so thank you to everyone showing me support.

It truly means the world.

Nina

Writing

Feeling positive; Just jotting like a journal.

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I’m quite thankful to be alive and well, writing away; although I feel a serious writers block. Fuck writers block. Ill just start typing. They say to just write anyways so…Im happy!

The hot weather is extremely overdue in my life so I’m sunbathing lots lately; catching a tan and spending far more time outside. Last summer is when I met my love, bringing me extremely positive vibes.

I’m rarely anxious or dysphoric lately and generally just feeling pretty Damn good; finding myself dancing, drawing and going out without even bothering to do my makeup. I don’t always need it to feel “pretty” so I can just be me. No worries. On the note of dysphoria; Ordering my birth certificate today to get my name change going (also extremely overdue). My girlfriend has done it now I’m playing catch up. It’s going to be a long, brutal process but it’s all good.

Right now I’m staying at my parents house helping them with their move into a new home in July, they are selling the house I grew up in which might not hit me till later but now I’m happy for them because they got a nice new spot lined up. Changes for me? Nothing major lately but I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend this week for a week straight instead of on and off which makes me happy.

Very happy.

Yes. Good times.

-Nina

Love, Poetry, Transgender

Today in story form. -Nina

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I promised myself that I would write today for the sake of writing but I don’t feel like I’m forcing it at all. I woke up this morning around 7 o’clock and saw the sunshine cascading through the cracks of my blinds knowing it was going to be a beautiful day. I quickly had coffee, got dressed and did my make-up, exited to run round the city. Walked down the block to get some change for the bus and as I was walking I could swear the flagger girl directing traffic called my name “Nina!” and told me to have a good day… “You too!”… I said smilingly.

I didn’t even exactly decide where I was going; either to pick up a check or to see the love of my life n wake her up n surprise her. As situations played out I stayed on the bus heading to grab the money n grab her after. I sat at the back of the bus truly enjoying this beautiful weather, people, vibes along the river on marine drive south Vancouver. A little girl got on the bus and ran down the isle sitting beside me noticing the art on my tablet; sparking conversations on graffiti, dragons and being transgender at an age …probably 4 years old. I truly love this city; feeling so safe and sound…

I rode around the city bus by bus and got the dough I needed for rent, met up with my lover for breakfast and decided to go shopping. I found a leather studded purse and golden heart bracelets while Larissa grabbed a new summer dress n a very cute bra..She kept thanking me for coming to get her and go shopping n I didn’t know why… until she put it on the dress; I have to say she looked stunning. It’s still hot and sunny as I type this away from my new home maxin n relaxin in my bikini, naturally happily.

lol

love you hun.

-Nina

 

 

About me, Writing

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

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Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

Photography, Writing

Skating, Photography and Sobriety

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Sobriety has left me with a serious amount of time on my hands and at first I saw it as a burden (because I’m an idiot) but have now realized it’s a great blessing for me to peruse anything I want. I don’t have many friends in the City anymore for various reasons but that just leaves me with even more freedom; not having to please anyone or be urged into getting back into drugs and alcohol. It feels really good to be writing this right now because I can see a version of me; she is happy and free.

I’m feeling extremely positive, leaving the depression behind me and conquering the anxiety. One thing I’m excited about is skating, I went and got my skateboard re-gripped yesterday and am dreaming of all the concrete possibilities. I started skateboarding back when I was 6 years old after my next door neighbors held a block party with a half pipe. My curiosity led my parents to allow me complete freedom with my skate, turning the steep hills of my neighborhood to race tracks for adrenaline chasing little kids like me and my friends. Skateboarding never left my life, I’ve fractured my knee and tore my ACL skating so I’m cautious but it didn’t stop me or slow me down. I’ve been skating the park down the street a few times since we moved into this new place; it’s an odd one but I’m so Damn thankful it’s there.

Another passion of mine I have more time to persue is photography and film. I’m not really sure what to tell you about that other than that I live in an extremely beautiful and diverse city in Vancouver; so even a day of just strolling around with my camera could be a great day in itself.

The weather forecast for the next week is hot and sunny.

Wish me luck.

Nina

About me, Writing

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

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Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Hip Hop, Transgender, Writing

Goodnightnina Dot WordPress. About me pt. ?

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    I usually hate writing about myself but I reinforce myself to write about something every day, it’s therapeutic and creates content allowing people into my experiences. I’m up early this morning; as I am every morning at 5 AM. Jumping directly into wordpress and slapping away at the keyboard painting some sort of picture: Me.

I’m me. Transgender and proud; artist. I don’t hide my identity and no one who’s transgender should have to but unfortunately in society I know there’s far too many staying in the closet. I’m hoping to be a representation of why not to, and how much better your life can be. Simply being yourself. Im some ways I think my visibility makes a difference; other days I feel like I don’t exist, but hey. You’re reading this aren’t you?

My name is Nina. I’m an extroverted b girl; Into all elements of hip hop. I draw, paint and create. I write poetry, lyrics, journaling and small articles. I’m a filmmaker and video editor. I’m vegetarian and love to cook. I like reading, mostly Buddhist books and spiritual books. I graduated college; studying mental health. I watch a lot of movies with my girlfriend and I’m happily taken. I like to skateboard n play basketball.

Welcome to my blog. I blog Gaffiti, Art, Street Photography, Buddhist Philosophy, Poetry, and anything thought provoking or visually… beautiful!