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About me

It’s me again.

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Another journaling rant about yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Feeling really good this morning. Thinking about life and this life is just fine. Life has treated me well as I could have gone down some incredibly regrettable paths. Nevertheless I made it through and I’m happy to be here at this point; in this moment. It took me many years to make the decision to transition. It took 4 months on the street to get my home. But I made it! My relationship with my girlfriend is great and my parents as well. I’ve dropped my addiction fueled lifestyle for a more calming and healthy way. Staying out of trouble for the most part…

But I still have work to do; we all do don’t we? Goal setting is something I’m going to be working on daily or I’ll be going nowhere (as happy and relaxed as I am) I should never get too comfortable. I’ve had this issue many times before … People ask me if I work or study and the answer being “neither” has to change. It always changes; life is ever-changing. So daily I will have created different to-do like lists to drive myself forward. I’m not worried about anything, I just know about the importance of not being too stagnant and the rewards of hard work.

I honestly don’t have any particular set goals on work/ school /money at the moment but this is good in my opinion because it leaves so many options..

Happily,

Nina

About me

Rambling optimism; Journal Entry

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Not much to say; but not much to complain about. I’m waking up with a completely empty day and empty house. But I do love taking care of this place, its truly beautiful and I am lucky. Writing just for the sake of writing like I SAID I have not much to say. Perhaps I should just say I’m in a better place, often when I’m feeling low I just do not write at all or get half way through a poem and give up. I spent a number of days drowning in sorrow, my loneliness and mood swing mentality; house ridden anxiety but that is long gone now. I’ve spent days with friends and my girlfriend as well as going out and around the city on my own.

I love being myself now, I feel beautiful and no one can take that away from me. One of the downsides of being trans though is having the occasional man say some disgusting sh** to me in front of other people like what happened on the bus yesterday. But I can brush that off easier than pie. In one ear and out the other! Dudes gon’ have a heart attack or die of something any second now anyways.

I got Nujabees playing right now, the “Soul Searching” Album. I highly recommend it for anyone that likes MUSIC in general. Haha… Super chill. Anyways, I am exited to do absolutely nothing today as my last 3 or 4 days were incredibly busy. It would be cool to get into some photography or video or sketching today but who knows, I don’t have an agenda and neither does this post.

Its 8 AM now and I don’t have to make up my mind just yet. I’m writing this because I know I should be. Not for any purpose really, I’m hastily typing away and it has no direction or intention behind it. Its interesting to do that, just doing it because you think you should. Applying myself but what am I applying myself to in the first place? I do not know. Perhaps it is simply optimistic writing.

I’m thankful that I’m alive because when I was younger I really thought I would be gone before 27 just because of my lifestyle/mentality but now I am here and I am happy. Go figure…

Thats all!

Nina

Transgender, Writing

Journal Entry Number I don’t Know, bloop. :)

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Just waking up at 6 Am. Feeling pretty good today; in turn from sleeping nearly 12 hours I am guessing?  I know, thats a F***ing long sleep right? My day today… Hoping that my girlfriends car has the life to make a trip over to my house… we really got to get that S*** fixed! It’s ugly outside and I need her to come over and cuddle, watch movies and let me cook her some dinner. As hard as I think I am sometimes, thats kind of played out, I’ve realized I mostly am not. Probably more of a softy. More interested in warmth, love, compassion ect. and I miss her / I miss her a lot.  But no matter what she’s definitely worth the wait…

The day is so young; but I’m wide awake. Wanting time to go by just a little bit faster. Not that I’m upset, I’m just optimistic for the day. Even with a clouded sky I will have smiling eyes. Although unsure at times if my writing is worth the words written I’ll continue nonetheless, for the sake I’ll look back one day, learn from it, or cherish it. I love looking back at my art, music and videos but for the first time in my life I’m trying to take the artistic approach of writing seriously. Not in the sense that I am going in any particular direction with it but in the sense that no matter what happens that I will simply continue doing it, whatever the days may bring.

Poetry has become an intricate part of my day to day life having been reading it everyday on my wordpress feed. I love reading poetry these days more than I ever have before. Its spilled it’s way into my youtube channel and also a great way of expressing my feelings, to the world and to the people I love. I’d say that poetry, how little or how much I do maybe was always a part of me. Hip hop is also poetry and I’ve been missing that feeling when you lay down a clean 16 bars. I try to write bars everyday only to get frustrated when its not exactly how I want it to be, frustrating me and leaving me wondering if it might be more productive to just get on and freestyle some stuff out till it just sounds right. I DONT KNOW! -writers block- ?

Anyways, hope you all have a great day!

Heres a little link-pooh.

Nina – Are you listening? Slam poetry rap.

 

About me, My Poetry, Poetry, Writing

About me in-depth. Nina.

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Through the shrouded memories I take glimpses of my memories on earth; in this city I call home, it feels sometimes like I have seen it and been through it all. Even as 2 genders, a straight male, a lesbian. From a young boy to a grown woman; it is beautiful in my own eyes. My addiction to change was constant; I went from a high school drop out to a graduated mental health worker with some of the highest marks in my class. From a drug dealer to a volunteer in many of the cities outreach facilities. From a sexual exhibitionist to a faithful monogamous relationship with my present girlfriend. I was homeless countless times since the age of 15. In and out of the court system since as early as 13…

One of my first charges: possession of a controlled substance with intent to traffic. I’m a genderqueer rap artist and poet who when I was younger would never dream of going on Facebook, yet I later used it to exploit my body for the sheer rush and mass attention and exhibitionism. Never would have I ever dreamed of getting in front of a camera back in the day but now my YouTube has 111 subscribers 88 videos that I’ve produced and over 15 000 views…

Where am I going now? I feel as though I left the streets behind me… yet 4 months ago I lived in a shelter downtown. Sometimes I miss it, I really do. Many people have seen my transition as something powerful to uplift myself and other trans girls. Yet I’ve been attacked in the streets for it and harassed on many levels. I was liberated as a woman but was alluring myself towards being a working girl. Yin and yang of this life is baffling.

I thought everything in my life would stay the same. I’ve lost almost all of my personal friends. The kids I used to kick it with are long gone from my life. I’ve tried to stay in touch but maybe I’ve burned all my bridges through crime and substance, a reputation for disaster. Yet now I am… so different . It’s painful losing touch with people you considered brothers and sisters. But I have bipolar and in the blink of an eye my whole persona can switch along with a long list of social backfires that go back more years than I can think of… I was a bully in elementary school, I’m so ashamed of that and a gang mentality kid in high school, kind of ashamed at what I would do for dough; being shuffled rigorously through the system for my behavior. So the people I grew up with… I’m guessing have absolutely no trust in me and I don’t blame them.

I’ve moved on and transitioned, moved over and over again through all corners of the city. By now I’ve tried nearly every drug; having overdosed my first time trying heroin but no drug has had me addicted except the eversoavailable alcohol. I used it to treat social anxiety, personal anxiety, anxiety relating to my gender… I’m sitting in the doctors office, a transgender clinic downtown and oh so far I’ve come from an ignorant punk kid. Although the kid is still in me I use that part of me wisely; for creativity, curiosity. I don’t truly ever feel like I’m growing up but I guess that I am. How strange a thought… Have I stopped to smell the flowers?

From living in million dollar spots to sleeping on the bug rat infested floors of the projects in Chinatown or from the courtyard boxer fighting and training, smoking weed with my homies to the girl who stays home reading and reciting poetry. From the boy being abused by his girlfriend to the girl finally finding the true love she’s been looking for…

Maybe the Constance of change is the flowers. Seeing the world from all perspectives. Maybe I’m just well cultured… rather than an all over the place psychopath I’m actually someone you go to for another view of things. I’ve found peace in a cold jail cell and hell in luxury apartments on the ocean. It’s funny the way things work. You think you want something so bad you’d die for it. Something changes and you never wanted or needed it in the first place. What do I need now? I want to regain control, I want to empower myself to change my world first and then the world around me. I feel extremely lucky to be alive and I don’t want to take that for granted. I don’t want to take anything for granted, life is so precious and too short to waste. Where the fuck do I go from here? I’m so found yet still so lost… as I ride the train; city screaming by me. ..

I ask myself.

Where am I going this time?

-Nina

Writing

Checking in with Nina. Journaling and about me.

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Ponder1_kindlephoto-670767544 AM May 22nd – I was thinking of going back to sleep but it is beautifully dark, beautifully quiet and peaceful. I just awoke from having multiple dreams. It was the first day of our high school and it was more of a wasteland of stoners than an actual school as blunts were passed around before we walked barefoot into a piss covered hallway leading to our homeroom. It only lasted for about five minutes before we all realized how horrible school was and ran off into the darkness. Darkness? Yes its odd school was in the middle of the night and I’m realizing that now. A woman beats her child for acting up asking if he wants to end up in the downtown eastside when he grows up. My dreamlands are… they are definitely something.

I’m awake now. The coffee is made. It’s cold in the house because my landlord cut off the heat to save money so I’m all bundled up. I want to go to the skatepark down the street today so long as it doesn’t rain on me. I feel kind of like I haven’t been my ever-so-optimistic self lately. Now waking up this early I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been waking up before daylight. This feels far better than seeing light as soon as I’m up. It’s been 4 months since I left the homeless shelter but I still haven’t found a routine that truly satisfies me… I’m addicted to ever-changing life but I feel quite still.

I’ve gotten used to living here and am going to start looking for work soon. I want to work in a plant nursery; So I’m going to try that first. If not… I’ll try something else! Transitioning is going just fine. I consider it done and I’m comfy in my own skin, taking pictures as often as I can and daring to go out in dresses and skirts by my lonesome at the spur of any moment. On the other hand I cry a lot; but I’m not sure if that entirely relates to the hormones or not hahaha… Maybe that is silly. Crying over very little and trivial things… But bigger things are an even harder challenge. Today however I am feeling optimistic. I feel refreshed and ready for whatever.

Just checking in.

Nina

My Poetry, Poetry

Pondering The Magical Light-Switch – Nina

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nina-on-fire-copySometimes…. if not always, I ponder the magical lightswitch .

Dark usually.. Black, or even a dim glow through my windowpane…

Wondering where it is!

Searching with my dumbfounded mind and wandering hands…

Ive been searching so long but the longer I search perhaps the more convinced I become that there really is a light switch.

“Where is it?”.

Wandering through the dark

An electrical pulse. Or a frequency sent.

SOMETHING?!

If one could simply turn the lightswitch all would be seen.

A transcending force.

I close my eyes harder, as if focussing deep inside my mind body and soul.

Fearing what I may see once found.

Too curious to give up on my quest.

Searching.

…for the light switch.

 

Nina

 

Poetry

I don’t know pt. 2

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Its morning again. Melancholy mood. Nujabes plays peacefully in the background. I cleaned up a little bit and had breakfast. But my mind races and wanders and races and wanders. I always feel like I should be doing something more. More for me and more for the world. But I sit here unsure of what that is. I don’t know what the day may bring. Week may bring. Months may bring and the years fly by in glorious mathematical blinks of an eye. Funny how a simple blip / second of a moment can feel so long in that retrospect.

As I write this it’s just a conversation with myself, just a mirror staring back at me in infinity. Do I want to stare into an infinite moment of melancholy? Do I want to move on in some sort of dynamic jump out of my normal day to day life? I thought I was a minimalist. I thought that I liked being alone. I thought I liked simplicity and just simply being in a moment for whatever that moment is. But maybe I don’t. Maybe my whole life is quite the opposite. A constant craving for fleeting escape from the dull normality’s of… whatever. Craving a great escape.

I make sacrifices and deals and decisions and commitments and plans but have I really. I mean really. Given the importance of my life and what I do with it major thought? I thought I had! But in reality I pretty much feel invisible. My struggle and my achievements and pain is invisible and my gifts I bring to the world invisible as well. As we all continue on our day to day endeavours of eat sleep repeat; where was our revolution? Our against the grain mentality of force-feeding truth and not the comforting lies.

We see each other grow. We watch as flowers bloom or wither away from the weathering of mankind’s poisonous corruptive abilities. Death is inevitable and I am not afraid to die. I’m just afraid to waste my time; I’m afraid to hide my feelings and I’m afraid to see my people, our people, and all people suffer. As I write this I suffer, yet I bloom as a tear rolls down my cheek…

-Nina

Poetry

I don’t know.

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Lately I haven’t felt like writing; maybe I’m craving more out of life and something new. When I started this blog in January I could not stop writing and posting and it really felt amazing but lately I just don’t know what to say. I have lots to say but maybe I feel like wordpress isn’t as much as a connection with the world as I thought it was, even though I love reading and sharing other bloggers work but… don’t really have the drive to search for the materials I’d like to share from elsewhere or the drive to find meaning in newer posts. I do write but it just feels different now… The summer is here and maybe my body and mind is telling me to seize it. Maybe I just lost touch with the creative writer/blogger inside myself I’m not sure…

Although I’ve slowed I don’t think my creativity will ever diminish. I have been doing photography and that felt great. Self modelling type photography is important to me; I like to come back to photos; as a trans girl I think that it’s important that I keep going in that sense. I am hoping to maybe do some today. I love imagery, of myself and of the world. Drawing is also one of my passions too; and I did some of that yesterday as well. My writing is a good outlet but to be honest I prefer photography and painting or drawing any day. Or graffiti. On page or in the streets it really doesn’t matter.

I don’t know.

Writing

Thankful for life and ranting. Journal Entry

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5:30 AM May 10th 2016

Just waking up from a dream. I dreamt that I was transitioning in high school, and thats all I can really remember about this dream I had. I wonder how that would have gone realistically as I type…I was running to class and sitting down right before I woke up. I guess schools in… The problem with me and my dreams is that I dream so intensely that it feels like I haven’t slept at all most of the time. I know I slept and I feel rested but there was no sense of escaping reality, no sense of pure calm and this is often the case because I dream so much. It’s all good though because I’d rather dream than not; its mystical in a sense. And for that I cherish them and am thankful.

Summertime arrived early in Vancouver and I suppose for many parts of Canada as well with the wildfires burning much earlier and larger than most previous years. I can remember last summer the city was clouded in thick smoke for several weeks and I’m wondering if we can expect the same for this year. My girlfriend told me that Russia is sending over some sort of bomber jet to help battle the fire in Fort McMurray; thanks Russia. The summers constantly arriving earlier and hotter I’m wondering if people will look back in time at our ignorance towards the planet and say that we were truly the most ignorant generation not to deal with this immediately….

I wrote a little bit yesterday about anxiety and being transgender in public which usually isn’t an issue for me. Usually I have a Laissez-faire attitude about what people think of me. My girlfriend and I were talking and we agreed I was incredibly well dressed; in my opinion the best in my life when I was living in the homeless shelter downtown. It felt really good to get dressed everyday and everything was free… My clothes were free and shelter was free, food was free and I was given free clothes and make-up. Living there allowed me to shop for clothes, stay sober and save up money at the same time. Saving up enough money for my first owned vehicle. I really felt taken in by the people and especially the women there and for that I am thankful.

Later, moving into this house I was extremely happy. Being that I was always wanting to live in the borough so I don’t want to leave anytime soon, but have to carefully budget. There isn’t a lot of room for clothes shopping and food shopping comes with a tight budget as well. There isn’t much room for anything really. If I wasn’t such a minimalist I think my life would bug me but I don’t truly need all the clothes in the world or a fancy phone, fuck it I don’t need fancy anything. My phone is so old it has a myspace app on it… lol. The fact that all of my medications, doctors appointments and bloodworks ect* ect* are covered helps being a “minimalist” doable on my budget. Again I am extremely thankful!

Today is just a day to chill I think, Cheers.

Type therapy.

Thank you for reading.

Nina