Tag Archives: About me

My Poetry, Poetry

Rhyme therapy. Poetic outcry.

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Just writing shit. Passing time. Outlashing rhyme.

Is Concrete freedom? Completely completing me?

I feel like I’m depleting…

Too much time… so here I rhyme.

I got a good girl, good world. I’m in love.

Word therapy it’s scaring me cause words release and reveal disparity.

The repressed stress that impales / my chest… I let the rest of my rhymes set sail. 

Every day listening to the rain, it washes pain away.

I want to get up, but it looks like imma do it on a later day.

Now: Trynna bail… out….I fell off.. or fell out… I feel like I’m doing nothing when I’m sitting here alone with my own”self.”…

I’m too used to street tops / we walked the block in reboks / more miles than Enoch / up n down like seasaws.

…then hop trains to the seashore. Drink more. I need more,

Fuck, I bleed for freedom like firey Vietnam napalm. 

I’m going awal.

God Damn I seen it all, drove me up the walls….

No sentiment to what I representing in this moment. Alone, Heckle myself. Jeckle?

Fuck it, Hyde… but wise with pretty eyes.

No doctor could ever calm my storms. Before they’d have to lock up me up to disarm my sword cause I was hardened up in numerous spots, reclusive to the marks n whites. Selling anything up, down. it could be hard n white. Sparks n darkness all around us so I got up n I got a Mic. White boy, the homie in disguise, still I rise, no demise, what? Gutter minded, smooth like butter out the housing projects.. That I would drowse in / n drowning…. in problems no solving it, just dissolve it. Mixing pills w potions in my cup of cauldron burning hottest notions. The Urban junglist psychlobin fungus n coco leaf under my tongue it’s.. MDMA in my nose and it’s disgusting. Welfare Glutton.

Like:Fuck it.

But Im survival against the rival, which is self, close minded to changing my mind, my mind is always shrouded dark clouded in madness to death. Always trying to redesign, redefine, n read in between the lines. Inclining myself refining self and it’s a crucial time.

But…

Now that I’m reclusive.

Introduced to the sobriety. Inducing nothingness including no substance to my mindstate. That was then, this is now …. Now… This is my mindstate… soberly irate. Am I trying to find me? Do these words serve a purpose? I think I make people nervous. I’m unafraid. I was the underage murderous on the curb sip serve swerving it or serving it.

That then. This is now, now. so true. How I gonna get through this? What am I supposed to do? I’m so new to.

this…

Nina

 

 

 

 

About me, Art, My Poetry, Poetry, Zen

Journey. – Nina

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Life is like a sort of journey

But I have no fixed plans on arrival

No control I depart into unknown

Encircled aura of protection surroundings me

Unafraid, unscathed casting rays of light

Travelling in music and in the subconscious flight

In reality; departing norm and taking many forms

Crossing bridges and borders, water space and time

Luminous calm and ease, feeling the breeze

Feeling the earths magnetic pull and vibrations

Every step takes me “that” much closer

Every moment in each moment leading me to a single moment

Hold it…

A point in time similar to a Destiny

But It’s my own recipe

Law of attractions; I’m creating reactions

Now what’s next for me?

 

 

My Poetry, Poetry, Writing

Change, Fear and my Inner Child – Nina

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Waking up and pondering my soul

I’m addicted to change I think…

It always brings life into a new light; breathing creativity into my soul

Waking up knowing today is going to be something anew

Something to make my heart skip;

Life wasn’t meant to be the repetitive loops of humanity

Life is supposed to be filled with spontaneity

Change is good

 

I could be addicted to danger too or… fear

The adrenaline of fear or… the conquering of such

Why is safety so comforting anyways?

Does one really have space to grow feeling utterly “safe”?

Mankind would go nowhere

These day people spend a lot more time inside

Technological advances draw us away from nature

And from reality

 

Addicted to my imagination or simply my playful side

Inner child without cares or worries

I like to dance and run

Free of fear and addicted to change

Danger

I hope it takes me places…

 

Nina

Love, Poetry, Writing

Happiness and silliness on a dreary morning.

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If it doesn’t pour rain, skate park at 7 am? I’m drinking coffee, watching silly T.V. shows on a big comfy couch with my lover. Cloud filled sky and our tired eyes; early risers today: 4 AM.

Unsure of what to write about but smile nevertheless and jot digital scribbles.

She’s looking through the “free” section on craigslist..

Micro-Fibre love seat. It looked rather odd.

She’s hit major scores lately though

52 inch TV…

Beautiful stained wood vanity type dresser…

House is looking wonderful!

On my 4th cup of coffee now. I’m a fiend for the beans from awakening to coffee as desert after dinner. It’s a bittersweet addiction; sometimes a cause of anxiety… It reminds me of chocolate; even though I drink it black. Yum.

“Are we supposed to do anything today?” I ask her.

Not that I know of…

🙂

She’s stroking my face with her feet.

“This is how I’d love you if I had no hands”.

Sips coffee*

Poetry

Op-tea-mystic. Optimistic

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Feeling better these days and grateful for life, loving girlfriend and parents. The days seem bright, hard not to smile and hard not to be slightly giddy and silly. I’ve bounced back to the happy me that believes in herself and can conquer the world. Dysphoria is gone; feeling beautiful as ever and not having panic attacks at all. Thanking my lucky stars!

The weather is warming up in Vancouver; Even the rain is warm. More and more sunny days has us playing basketball and me skateboarding. I kinda feel like I’ve been hibernating which is NOT like me so… I am delighted that winter has come to an end. To say the least.

I’ve definitely settled into the new place and there’s nothing else needing to be added to our new home. We managed to fully furnish a large suite for under $300 it’s probably closer to $200. I feel extremely comfortable living here and am extremely thankful for that as well.

Writing and blogging and video logging has given me outlets of creativity instead of wasting time away. I love hopping on here (wordpress) in the morning with some coffee to see what everyone is offering up to the world which is cool. I’m not sure how to make the perfect WordPress layout on my page but it’s all good.

It’s all good.

Nina

Thank you my love for the photo. ❤

 

Writing

Yesterday morning. :)

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Yesterday was beautiful. I had woken up at 3 am, happily blogging.. but Around 7 I decided to go out… There’s a skatepark a few blocks from my house; I had been wanting to skate it but alone at first as not to embarrass myself getting used to it. Not a cloud in the sky I walked a few blocks to it and put my bag on a bench.

It’s mostly transition with some vicious vert walls. (Video coming soon). It was a lot of fun. Sun had risen and I had the whole place to myself, riding around my new playground, getting the feel for it I’ve desperately desired since I moved here in January. I did take one fall but Damn I hadn’t skated since last summer!

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Headphones blaring and nothing but concrete and metal; I exploded its potential.

Now I’m ready to really ride this park.

It’s dope what the cities in and around Vancouver do for skaters. We have infinite skateparks honestly.

 

 

Queensborough skate park.

I give you 8 out of 10 stars.

Level advanced.

Too much fun!

 

-Nina

 

Transgender

Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina

Love, Writing

Good times with my girl. A Nina update.

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Today was amazing. Not even having a giant thorn surgically removed from my back brought me down… The morning was chill.

Just with my girl in the morning was nice, she took her time to wake up while I blogged and read other blog posts. I cuddled with her for a while just hoping she’d get up and it worked.

We eventually decided to go shoot some hoops at the park.

Hahaha

About 30 minutes in I run to go grab the ball… tripping slightly on my heel I fell into some thorns. Okay A LOT of thorns. I’m kind of bloody right… I thought it was all good despite the intense pain and quickly finished the game and rolled home.

I went to the mirror and turned around to see my back and what do you fucking know…. A large piece of thorn was like…. pushing the skin out on my back. I thought shit… how the fuck am I gon get this wood outta my back…it looked nasty! my girl was far too squeamish to go surgical style on this nasty looking situation. That made her a little upset but…

She drove me to a clinic and it was so deep into my back muscle they said they were going to just leave me a little cut open and come back in a few days to remove it. So uhhhhhhh I was thinking and quickly convinced this doctor to do whatever it takes… necessary…to get it out . Like: immediately.

Anesthetic worked fine and she pulled it out. Tetanus shot. Bandaid n…

I’m home and it’s all good.

Good day.

– Nina. 🙂

Poetry, Writing

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

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Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina