Tag Archives: Transgender
The sun will be rising soon. – Nina
The sun will be rising soon,
it is black
Sounds of rain.
Out of subconscious.
I am awakened.
Lighten Up! 0.O :P @_@
I’ve tried to conquer this. – Nina
I’ve seen so sick for so long.
This is hard to type;
wondering for how long… this is going to be my life.
I’m trapped in this.
I can’t remain calm, when my bodily chemistry feels like napalm.
Something to scorch the pain
Somebody torch the way
This is torture;
I live with day to day.
I’m up and down but mostly down
and it’s down deep
Hoping I don’t go down so far that you can’t find me
As the tears stream down my face
It’s hard to face the days
I need this pain to go away.
Hard to see
Hard to speak
Hard to breathe
Please …
Help me God
I need peace.
-Nina
Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals
Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.
But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason.. for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….
… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.
Onto my current situation… So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…
The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.
And I’m thankful for that.
Just got to hold it down, 5 days…
Nina
Keep it thoro – Self Portrait
The stars – Nina
The blue stars.
She would “talk” to the stars
She would dance with nature and sing with the birds
The crows in particular, making her smile
Her best friend was the raven or worst enemy…
Her imagination was extravagant
The date of earth wasn’t reality
Time nor place replaced by visions
In drum circles with the village
She would sing of the life and it’s rhythm
Eventually she talked with the stars
Her hopes and her dreams and the natural mystic
It took decades as the speed of light was not fast enough
But the stars replied
With the wisdom she seeked; the life she wanted to live;
Impossibility is laughable now
The truth
Was closer and close enough to touch and feel
Tantalising reality of the sacred unity with her stars
The stars are out tonight
looking down
Or looking up
As we live our lives, they speak.
It takes time
but what is time?
I could write this forever in time.
Thanking the stars.
For their love.
Love Nina
Where does pain abide? – Nina
I do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.
Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering
with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday
Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,
feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…
missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time
more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths
self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?
Confused…
Nina Shade / Nina Yin – Dreams / Every Night (Slam poetry over J Dilla)
Lyrics:
Dreams….
I dream every night. It’s like I don’t sleep; I’m far to busy venturing rivers and streams, painting graffiti on infinite trains.
My dreams are what dreams are made of. My mind is the money so my vacation is paid up.
Tropical paradises on every turn. I’ve never seen so many gorgeous baby blue pools with pearls twirling my world.
I can fly if I want to and explore. I’m getting good, in fact I’m better than Peter pan. Taking off is tricky but I always land.
My dreams have music so I wake up singing with love. Lyrics that no conscious mind could think of.
My dreams have more amusing amusement parks than Californi and Dubai put together. My subconscious really got her shit together.
I have nightmares worst than Steven kings, but I’ve been into horror flicks since I was a kid.
But this is real time 3d and if it’s too deep I wake up n have some tea.
I dream.
Every.
Single.
Night.
I get lost in pitch black in my bed on a trip LSD couldn’t bring to light.
I get to live past futures; in surreal movements, clearer than glass to my mind when it computes it.
But my minds far more complex. More convex it sees more than I can comprehend.
How many times I saw the end or woke up to a new beginning, open my eyes and the rooms spinning,
Damn I’m dizzy that was trippy.
What were those lyrics I heard angels signings?
I turn the light on.
I got the light, write before it’s gone.
Pick up a pen and write down this midnight song.
-Nina
:) Smile or nah? :) – Nina
Smiling is contagious, and smiling releases positive endorphins. Changing the world one smile at a time.
So I ask you… “Smile or nah?” – Nina
🙂
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