Tag Archives: My life

Poetry

I don’t know.

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Lately I haven’t felt like writing; maybe I’m craving more out of life and something new. When I started this blog in January I could not stop writing and posting and it really felt amazing but lately I just don’t know what to say. I have lots to say but maybe I feel like wordpress isn’t as much as a connection with the world as I thought it was, even though I love reading and sharing other bloggers work but… don’t really have the drive to search for the materials I’d like to share from elsewhere or the drive to find meaning in newer posts. I do write but it just feels different now… The summer is here and maybe my body and mind is telling me to seize it. Maybe I just lost touch with the creative writer/blogger inside myself I’m not sure…

Although I’ve slowed I don’t think my creativity will ever diminish. I have been doing photography and that felt great. Self modelling type photography is important to me; I like to come back to photos; as a trans girl I think that it’s important that I keep going in that sense. I am hoping to maybe do some today. I love imagery, of myself and of the world. Drawing is also one of my passions too; and I did some of that yesterday as well. My writing is a good outlet but to be honest I prefer photography and painting or drawing any day. Or graffiti. On page or in the streets it really doesn’t matter.

I don’t know.

Love, Transgender, Writing

Breaking Trans: I’m having a panic attack stepping’ out the door for more. For what?

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My stupid ___ mother___ bulls____ anxiety that is absolutely absurd ___ed me over today…to be worrin’ bout whatever the ****! people think of me when I’m hopping’ buss’s and riding around the city? For what…? Why…? I don’t know why…  but its painful !(physically) ….it’s become an issue for me all of a sudden but I do recognize the ins and outs of it! Yeah there gon’ be some people that’ll judge the trans sector of society but we can’t let that stop us from being ourselves… So amidst the  panic attacks I step out the door. Maybe not just for me, maybe I step out that door for other trans and genderqueer people or maybe I do it to show myself that anxiety is but an illusion created by a chemical imbalance in my mind.

I don’t know!

Trans people make up 0.03 of the population of the world making us very much a minority yeah thats true but…There are always going to be good and bad days for everyone, not just people with anxiety and not just trans people. Millions of people across the globe fight there own personal demons and nightmares.

But today I broke mine when I stepped out the door.

Breaking anxiety and breaking trans! 🙂

So shout outs to “me” in my red dress and L.A. Fitted Cap.

Lol.

Glad to be home.

Nina

Poetry

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

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Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

My Poetry, Poetry

Lil Rhyme Poetry – Nina

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Inspite of my risked flight heres some insight to my intwined mind designed to inspire

Nothing required; building from a comforting nothingness to be blunt ignorance is bliss and just oh so comforting

But no views distorted, as far as I’ve seen or noticed. Visionary mind state I escalate and remain focussed

The persuit of happiness is on track mathmatically; tapping into my potential of a well that fills and distills drastically

Conform to no norms, I’m in no way shape or form a part of a swarm a touch comforting warmth

I like runways of sunrays that come blaze the concrete Im amazed at the phases Ive been through I’m feeling complete

My girl and I build together; nothing ever felt so real, Im feeling the future will help us keep it here n still always will just be together

Nina

 

Love, Poetry, Transgender

Today in story form. -Nina

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I promised myself that I would write today for the sake of writing but I don’t feel like I’m forcing it at all. I woke up this morning around 7 o’clock and saw the sunshine cascading through the cracks of my blinds knowing it was going to be a beautiful day. I quickly had coffee, got dressed and did my make-up, exited to run round the city. Walked down the block to get some change for the bus and as I was walking I could swear the flagger girl directing traffic called my name “Nina!” and told me to have a good day… “You too!”… I said smilingly.

I didn’t even exactly decide where I was going; either to pick up a check or to see the love of my life n wake her up n surprise her. As situations played out I stayed on the bus heading to grab the money n grab her after. I sat at the back of the bus truly enjoying this beautiful weather, people, vibes along the river on marine drive south Vancouver. A little girl got on the bus and ran down the isle sitting beside me noticing the art on my tablet; sparking conversations on graffiti, dragons and being transgender at an age …probably 4 years old. I truly love this city; feeling so safe and sound…

I rode around the city bus by bus and got the dough I needed for rent, met up with my lover for breakfast and decided to go shopping. I found a leather studded purse and golden heart bracelets while Larissa grabbed a new summer dress n a very cute bra..She kept thanking me for coming to get her and go shopping n I didn’t know why… until she put it on the dress; I have to say she looked stunning. It’s still hot and sunny as I type this away from my new home maxin n relaxin in my bikini, naturally happily.

lol

love you hun.

-Nina

 

 

About me, Writing

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

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Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

My Poetry, Poetry

Rhyme therapy. Poetic outcry.

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Just writing shit. Passing time. Outlashing rhyme.

Is Concrete freedom? Completely completing me?

I feel like I’m depleting…

Too much time… so here I rhyme.

I got a good girl, good world. I’m in love.

Word therapy it’s scaring me cause words release and reveal disparity.

The repressed stress that impales / my chest… I let the rest of my rhymes set sail. 

Every day listening to the rain, it washes pain away.

I want to get up, but it looks like imma do it on a later day.

Now: Trynna bail… out….I fell off.. or fell out… I feel like I’m doing nothing when I’m sitting here alone with my own”self.”…

I’m too used to street tops / we walked the block in reboks / more miles than Enoch / up n down like seasaws.

…then hop trains to the seashore. Drink more. I need more,

Fuck, I bleed for freedom like firey Vietnam napalm. 

I’m going awal.

God Damn I seen it all, drove me up the walls….

No sentiment to what I representing in this moment. Alone, Heckle myself. Jeckle?

Fuck it, Hyde… but wise with pretty eyes.

No doctor could ever calm my storms. Before they’d have to lock up me up to disarm my sword cause I was hardened up in numerous spots, reclusive to the marks n whites. Selling anything up, down. it could be hard n white. Sparks n darkness all around us so I got up n I got a Mic. White boy, the homie in disguise, still I rise, no demise, what? Gutter minded, smooth like butter out the housing projects.. That I would drowse in / n drowning…. in problems no solving it, just dissolve it. Mixing pills w potions in my cup of cauldron burning hottest notions. The Urban junglist psychlobin fungus n coco leaf under my tongue it’s.. MDMA in my nose and it’s disgusting. Welfare Glutton.

Like:Fuck it.

But Im survival against the rival, which is self, close minded to changing my mind, my mind is always shrouded dark clouded in madness to death. Always trying to redesign, redefine, n read in between the lines. Inclining myself refining self and it’s a crucial time.

But…

Now that I’m reclusive.

Introduced to the sobriety. Inducing nothingness including no substance to my mindstate. That was then, this is now …. Now… This is my mindstate… soberly irate. Am I trying to find me? Do these words serve a purpose? I think I make people nervous. I’m unafraid. I was the underage murderous on the curb sip serve swerving it or serving it.

That then. This is now, now. so true. How I gonna get through this? What am I supposed to do? I’m so new to.

this…

Nina

 

 

 

 

Poetry

Op-tea-mystic. Optimistic

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Feeling better these days and grateful for life, loving girlfriend and parents. The days seem bright, hard not to smile and hard not to be slightly giddy and silly. I’ve bounced back to the happy me that believes in herself and can conquer the world. Dysphoria is gone; feeling beautiful as ever and not having panic attacks at all. Thanking my lucky stars!

The weather is warming up in Vancouver; Even the rain is warm. More and more sunny days has us playing basketball and me skateboarding. I kinda feel like I’ve been hibernating which is NOT like me so… I am delighted that winter has come to an end. To say the least.

I’ve definitely settled into the new place and there’s nothing else needing to be added to our new home. We managed to fully furnish a large suite for under $300 it’s probably closer to $200. I feel extremely comfortable living here and am extremely thankful for that as well.

Writing and blogging and video logging has given me outlets of creativity instead of wasting time away. I love hopping on here (wordpress) in the morning with some coffee to see what everyone is offering up to the world which is cool. I’m not sure how to make the perfect WordPress layout on my page but it’s all good.

It’s all good.

Nina

Thank you my love for the photo. ❤

 

Writing

Yesterday morning. :)

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Yesterday was beautiful. I had woken up at 3 am, happily blogging.. but Around 7 I decided to go out… There’s a skatepark a few blocks from my house; I had been wanting to skate it but alone at first as not to embarrass myself getting used to it. Not a cloud in the sky I walked a few blocks to it and put my bag on a bench.

It’s mostly transition with some vicious vert walls. (Video coming soon). It was a lot of fun. Sun had risen and I had the whole place to myself, riding around my new playground, getting the feel for it I’ve desperately desired since I moved here in January. I did take one fall but Damn I hadn’t skated since last summer!

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Headphones blaring and nothing but concrete and metal; I exploded its potential.

Now I’m ready to really ride this park.

It’s dope what the cities in and around Vancouver do for skaters. We have infinite skateparks honestly.

 

 

Queensborough skate park.

I give you 8 out of 10 stars.

Level advanced.

Too much fun!

 

-Nina