Tag Archives: Bipolar

About me, Writing

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

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Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

About me, Writing

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

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Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Transgender

Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina

My Poetry, Poetry

I’ve tried to conquer this. – Nina

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I’ve seen so sick for so long.

This is hard to type;

wondering for how long… this is going to be my life.

I’m trapped in this.

I can’t remain calm, when my bodily chemistry feels like napalm.

Something to scorch the pain

Somebody torch the way

This is torture;

I live with day to day.

I’m up and down but mostly down

and it’s down deep

Hoping I don’t go down so far that you can’t find me

As the tears stream down my face

It’s hard to face the days

I need this pain to go away.

Hard to see

Hard to speak

Hard to breathe

Please …

Help me God

I need peace.

-Nina

Anime, My Poetry, Poetry

Where does pain abide? – Nina

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tumblr_n2howaAtRL1smyby2o1_500.jpgI do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.

Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering

with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday

Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,

feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…

missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time

more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths

self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?

photoedit_1444759925825Confused…

Poetry, Stories

Bipolar described in poetry. By Nina

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When dreams and reality mix; my mind twist space n time.

Sentences in my mind incomplete and jumbled.

The pain is unbearable and I can’t focus.

The thought train is overwhelming grandiose negative paranoia.

I lose track of myself and memories begin to be erased.

Chase down 3 seconds of comfort; only refuge from this place.

Alone with my screaming demons, what is the reason.

Enhanced senses, feeling too much and too deeply.

Dreading the next breath I’m light headed.

Subconscious embedded schizophrenic essence.

Tears run down my face, my lover can’t help be afraid.

Interlaced emotions continue to confuse, I’ve lost my view.

Distrusting earth, corrupting everything I’ve seen from birth.

There’s nowhere to run or hide. I continue to gun this fight.

I’m a soldier fuck this shit. I’ve done this shit a hundred times.

Switch my mindstate from afraid to irate.

I’m right the world is Fucked Up…

I’d Love to make it better tomorrow just weather this storm.

This isn’t even real, what I feel; it’s chemical sorrow.

What good is a good day without bad ones. I’m attached to this aura.

I’m glad I can come out on top….

I was trapped and caught up….

Strapped to a mattress and shot up…

 

Nina