Tag Archives: Anxiety

Love, Transgender, Writing

Breaking Trans: I’m having a panic attack stepping’ out the door for more. For what?

8 Comments

My stupid ___ mother___ bulls____ anxiety that is absolutely absurd ___ed me over today…to be worrin’ bout whatever the ****! people think of me when I’m hopping’ buss’s and riding around the city? For what…? Why…? I don’t know why…  but its painful !(physically) ….it’s become an issue for me all of a sudden but I do recognize the ins and outs of it! Yeah there gon’ be some people that’ll judge the trans sector of society but we can’t let that stop us from being ourselves… So amidst the  panic attacks I step out the door. Maybe not just for me, maybe I step out that door for other trans and genderqueer people or maybe I do it to show myself that anxiety is but an illusion created by a chemical imbalance in my mind.

I don’t know!

Trans people make up 0.03 of the population of the world making us very much a minority yeah thats true but…There are always going to be good and bad days for everyone, not just people with anxiety and not just trans people. Millions of people across the globe fight there own personal demons and nightmares.

But today I broke mine when I stepped out the door.

Breaking anxiety and breaking trans! 🙂

So shout outs to “me” in my red dress and L.A. Fitted Cap.

Lol.

Glad to be home.

Nina

Love, Poetry, Transgender, Zen

Jotting my journal away! – Nina

2 Comments

photoedit_1456775248349

Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts.  If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.

I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life.  So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.

When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.

The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.

I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…

I’m doing good. I am still working on it  and “keep it movin'”.   Always!—- forward.

Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and  I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.

Stay beautiful, stay strong.

Peace

Nina

 

 

 

Poetry

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

1 Comment

IMG_20160321_120912_kindlephoto-35538521

Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

Poetry, Transgender, Writing

Thank you for the support. And always keep it movin’.

3 Comments

The stress of being a trans girl and manic depressive is sometimes overwhelming but I feel as though I always come out on top. Sure I have my days of dysphoria or anxiety to the point of panic attacks and teardrops. But I also have days that I conquer the world; constantly doing things I didn’t think I could do and have never done before. Few months ago I was living in the streets and not knowing what was going to happen;  and that didn’t even bother me so much in the cold of winter, I just knew I was safe, and I was too strong to let it take me over. Being in the homeless shelter didn’t even make me flinch. Now I’m living in a beautiful spot and STILL sober. STILL not slummin’ my life away for the fuck of it. Honestly… You got to just keep it movin’.

I used to use every excuse in the book to pick up bottles and self indulge in anything and everything self indulgence means…

When we have our bad days we aught to use them even more wisely than the good days. Some of my best writing, art and videos are from the worst moments in my life. You can use your pain as power. When you do shit you’re afraid of doing just cause you can it brings you to a whole new place. When my girlfriend helped release me from many shells I was hiding in; I was again reborn. Always being reborn. She’s the world to me and I couldn’t do it on my own. And the streets showed me that I’m part of something bigger than just myself and my life. I’ve been told that I inspire people; I dont know how much of an inspiration I can be but I guess that I am truly trying, so thank you to everyone showing me support.

It truly means the world.

Nina

About me, Writing

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

Leave a comment

Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Poetry

Op-tea-mystic. Optimistic

5 Comments

Feeling better these days and grateful for life, loving girlfriend and parents. The days seem bright, hard not to smile and hard not to be slightly giddy and silly. I’ve bounced back to the happy me that believes in herself and can conquer the world. Dysphoria is gone; feeling beautiful as ever and not having panic attacks at all. Thanking my lucky stars!

The weather is warming up in Vancouver; Even the rain is warm. More and more sunny days has us playing basketball and me skateboarding. I kinda feel like I’ve been hibernating which is NOT like me so… I am delighted that winter has come to an end. To say the least.

I’ve definitely settled into the new place and there’s nothing else needing to be added to our new home. We managed to fully furnish a large suite for under $300 it’s probably closer to $200. I feel extremely comfortable living here and am extremely thankful for that as well.

Writing and blogging and video logging has given me outlets of creativity instead of wasting time away. I love hopping on here (wordpress) in the morning with some coffee to see what everyone is offering up to the world which is cool. I’m not sure how to make the perfect WordPress layout on my page but it’s all good.

It’s all good.

Nina

Thank you my love for the photo. ❤

 

Buddhism, Mahayana Buddhism, Zen

Zen and Breathing. via BalanceInMe.com

Leave a comment

Changing Yourself Through Your Breath

Deep breathing has been used to prepare for meditation since the beginning of human civilization. In the Hindu tradition, this practice was called pranayama and was used by yogis to improve their health and prepare for meditation.

My teacher used to say that “Your breath is your power”. And when you see someone full of energy and vitality, you’re seeing someone who understands the power of deep breathing.

My friend Diana shows you a style of meditation that uses a powerful deep breathing technique on this page (click here to check it out).

When you use a proper breathing technique, it will trigger natural and automatic movements which will relieve the tension that you have accumulated in your body. This will allow you to be far more mindful and will train your body to be effortlessly mindful in day to day life.

That’s why my teacher was right to place so much importance on deep breathing.

And it’s also why you should check out this style of meditation.

Keep meditating!
My Poetry, Poetry

I’ve tried to conquer this. – Nina

1 Comment

10959718_1010721405610044_5038051190175816069_n

I’ve seen so sick for so long.

This is hard to type;

wondering for how long… this is going to be my life.

I’m trapped in this.

I can’t remain calm, when my bodily chemistry feels like napalm.

Something to scorch the pain

Somebody torch the way

This is torture;

I live with day to day.

I’m up and down but mostly down

and it’s down deep

Hoping I don’t go down so far that you can’t find me

As the tears stream down my face

It’s hard to face the days

I need this pain to go away.

Hard to see

Hard to speak

Hard to breathe

Please …

Help me God

I need peace.

-Nina

Poetry, Writing

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

11 Comments

Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

Art, Love, Poetry, Writing

I was about to cry; Then I felt the universe. -Nina

1 Comment

Sitting alone it’s pitch black before the dawn.

Stars in the sky.

I have had my issues with depression, the weight of the universe making me about to make me cry.

“No Nina,”.

It’s not the weight upon you; causing this sensation…

it is the energy trying to flow through you.

This world is moving and flowing at unimaginable rates and molecular mathematics.

I let the energies of it all flow through me; it takes but a millisecond to feel it.

Like a river.

Flow through my body and take all my pain away.

To literally feel time, space and matter for just that one moment.

Do not fight the flow of the raging river was a Zen tale I always enjoyed, perhaps it applies in all moments.

This flowing universe ; we live amongst the endless stars.

Stop to feel it,

If you need to.

 

-Nina