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Butterfly….
I’m that butterfly;
I’m that beautiful butterfly.
Pink, purple,
yellow and black.
I’m that butterfly you can’t catch,
just watch in awe.
Fluttering into nothingness.
I’m that butterfly whom rises from earth.
Into the sky; rising rebirth.
-Nina
Touching on the subject. Going male to female….
Although I had been dressing as a female in public for many years, and living as a woman on and off. For relationship reasons sigh… : For one year I had attempted to be completely male, bad mistake. “Now” Realizing how far from the real me I had been “acting”. I got into a treatment program and started hormones with almost a completely shaved head, YIKES. I had been working construction heavily and was extremely muscular, you can see in this video: A male version of me. Right before Hormone Replacement Therapy.
I was extremely sceptical if I could find my way back to my feminine self. I was and always am faced with little bits of discrimination here and there, It made me anxious but I knew I had to try or I would regret it for the rest of my life. Slowly but surely my hair grew long, my muscles in my arms started to vanish and my breasts grew larger and larger by the months. Men and women alike all of a sudden wanted something from me… my old friends and even married ex girlfriends wanted to sleep with me. Nevertheless I was happier my transition was working well.
After about 2 years I started to feel complete, luckily for me and unlike a few of my trans girl friends surgery or any procedure for that matter wasn’t anything I wanted or needed. I had slight self confidence issues and still had a few things to learn about the confidence and grace a beautiful woman such as myself and should be able to portray. The internet leads to ugly places most of the time but…I had met the love of my life… With a little help from my girlfriend I dressed less conservative, far more sexy in public. It was extremely liberating and a huge growth for me.
A video of me now! 🙂 – Butterfly*** Subscribe to my channel if you’d like.
Me today: not the flashiest of pictures but to me it’s just an example.
Today I’m able to dress however I want to, go to whatever bathroom, I’m treated how I’d like for the most part and I have zero regrets. Luckily for me I had basic supporters; my friends and family, this is almost impossible to do alone. My health care covers all my medication “Ohhh Canadaaaaa.”, and thrift stores provide me with clothes I can actually afford; progressing my style and confidence.
That’s basically how the shit went in a nutshell. Of course I gave up a few ignorant people along the way but I think that that’s great that they can fuck off! Fuck right off lol.
Peace n blessings.
Nina
When dreams and reality mix; my mind twist space n time.
Sentences in my mind incomplete and jumbled.
The pain is unbearable and I can’t focus.
The thought train is overwhelming grandiose negative paranoia.
I lose track of myself and memories begin to be erased.
Chase down 3 seconds of comfort; only refuge from this place.
Alone with my screaming demons, what is the reason.
Enhanced senses, feeling too much and too deeply.
Dreading the next breath I’m light headed.
Subconscious embedded schizophrenic essence.
Tears run down my face, my lover can’t help be afraid.
Interlaced emotions continue to confuse, I’ve lost my view.
Distrusting earth, corrupting everything I’ve seen from birth.
There’s nowhere to run or hide. I continue to gun this fight.
I’m a soldier fuck this shit. I’ve done this shit a hundred times.
Switch my mindstate from afraid to irate.
I’m right the world is Fucked Up…
I’d Love to make it better tomorrow just weather this storm.
This isn’t even real, what I feel; it’s chemical sorrow.
What good is a good day without bad ones. I’m attached to this aura.
I’m glad I can come out on top….
I was trapped and caught up….
Strapped to a mattress and shot up…
Nina
I try to keep normality absent. / As if I could mask it.
Transcend gender / transgender madd Kidd.
A retired liar /open book on fire;
Trying to inspire….
Jumping fences / caught on hooks and wire.
I can envision a promise land.
Tearing my clothes, Expose myself, / Dawn at hand.
Embrace the fate over the broken gate. / Even amidst the hundreds of broken promises.
I envision this grace / and the sacred place awaits.
We here now….
I bring my twin with me; polarity / solar ascend from our anatomy.
2 spirited 2 spirits 2 spearheaded /to a new birth of clarity.
Syncopated vibrations / soaring auras.
Space time gravitating towards us.
The sentiment unprecedent /We are auroras borealus.
More than God can handle.
More than the laws of nature.
Finally enter the state /open the gate
cause fate awaits us.
I’m 50 days clean and sober which is more than I can honestly say I’ve ever done in any past attempts. When my anxiety gets bad I think how far I’ve come from being homeless just a few months ago to a beautiful apartment in my most desired neighborhood…
I liked to party… or maybe a more serious way to put it, I liked to get Fucked Up… and also self medicated in extremely dangerous mixes of substance and situations, seriously Fucked Up situations I put myself in to do so. I can’t begin to describe how lucky I feel to be alive. Daunting memories and situations I have to try to deal with and leave in the past.
Lucky for me, after um… using random shit for 10 years or more, I never died in my sleep nor physically hurt anyone other than myself as far as I know. I worry so dearly about all the people I grew close to and It’s great to see my close friends in a recovery zone too, we’re all in this together and nothing is easy to do alone.
Art is so important, expression and the act of simple creativity. That’s an addiction I can never, ever… leave behind. Blogging has been a great outlet, something to look forward to when I wake up, read articles and poetry and sharing a little bit of what inspires me and keeps me grounded. I’d say it’s played a positive role in my life, recovery (whatever you want to call it). I don’t think blogging about my experience in the streets is in store anytime soon but I thought it would be a nice note to leave the world that… I’ve been through a lot but, I’m doing better than alright.
Peace n love.
Nina
I’m stronger than this moment, I own it.
Release the way, the soul is something solitude.
Technically untouchable.
Calming a storm with a simple breath.
Returning once again to this infinite moment.
-Nina
Everybody want to be a “G” in the streets / Sometimes I just want to see, / Some “peace” in the streets.
Lay back with my peeps Talk peace talk, not street talk / no fear in the heart of the city where we walk.
Open Vancity skies.. To sunshine… / Ban the violence, so no need for onetime.
All we wanna do is have fun, / time for my crew to run wild. Have a truce with gangs / so the troops can hang.
Truth is a thing of pride.
Toss the colors aside and swing wide.
One Love.
Check it out.
One Love.
To the streets.
-Nina
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