Category Archives: Writing

About me, Writing

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

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Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

Buddhism, Mahayana Buddhism, My Poetry, Poetry, Writing, Zen

UN-TITLED / RHYME-RECITAL – Nina

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Practicing what we preach: out of reach; searching for peace but I think this is a unique piece:

In the midst of a middle riddle; I fiddle on the electronicals with supersonic speed atomical precision decision making heart racing; facing myself is always hardest; trying to depart it: impossible my clause interconnecting and hopping obstacles.

Questioning everything and returning to my breath; nothingness its so comforting but than again: back to reality of tragedy; calamity the causes of suffering: uttering threats into my inner soul; so powerful it can be picked up by Interpol.

Its funny how quick I switch from enlightened n lit to a frightened little bitch; I need to hitch a ride back to the relaxed fact that everything is in fact fine and intact or is it? Here I go again in slow motion repent everything I ever did.

Wait… everything happens for a reason and it has a deeper meaning resonating in my soul just waiting to defeat my demons that be ever scheming on my being…

Back to the breath again, rest again, is that just me repressing them? “Thoughts”….. “Not” if I continue to learn from the lessons and suggestions by enlightened messengers descending from whats basically heaven sent.

Purposefully I use the words perfect like word perfect it auto-corrects my words to be well worth it, hoping I’m serving the world when my splurges like this hit the net surfing. Im just gonna ride the wave till i wash up on shore and find that place where Im not nervous…

They say that words move mountains; its true. My life and what I’m wanting to do. If I never grow up I’ve found the fountain of youth. But if I don’t grow I’m stuck up in this cycle : abuse.

So what am I gonna do? Take it day by day / play by play. What else do you want me to say?

Peace be upon you; today is a beautiful day.

Nina

 

 

 

My Poetry, Photography, Poetry, Stories, Writing

Dreaming of murder by: Nina

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6:19 AM :That’s sleeping in for me. Crawl to the laptop and its hard to keep my eyes open. The coffee maker is crackling. I just dreamt that I murdered an old friend and oddly thats not shocking and I’m just exited how real the night city-scape was in my subconscious mind.  So surreal and I definitely had no idea I was dreaming: asking friends for help to cover up the murder. I cant remember exactly what he did but it was enough for us to bash his skull in. Blood stained memory cards taken by homicide investigators as I take cover in the night> Maybe this post is too much for the morning… I made a poetry slam video called: Dreams/Every Night because I dream every night and they are usually extremely realistic and often profound. Obviously there was more to the dream than the murder and thats why I brought it up. As I sat in the car going to pick up stolen evidence on the murder case; the lights and the city and the traffic just seemed “too real” more real than the concious world we live in. I came to the conclusion that this city was somes ort of duplicate (technically it was) I began to drive frantically through the alleys unsure where I was going DUMBFOUNDED BY SUBCONCIOUS IMAGERY left, right, left right. I come into a dead end… 6:19 AM:  Thats sleeping in for me. Crawl to the laptop and try to keep my eyes open…

COFFEE IS READY!

NINA

Photography, Writing

Skating, Photography and Sobriety

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Sobriety has left me with a serious amount of time on my hands and at first I saw it as a burden (because I’m an idiot) but have now realized it’s a great blessing for me to peruse anything I want. I don’t have many friends in the City anymore for various reasons but that just leaves me with even more freedom; not having to please anyone or be urged into getting back into drugs and alcohol. It feels really good to be writing this right now because I can see a version of me; she is happy and free.

I’m feeling extremely positive, leaving the depression behind me and conquering the anxiety. One thing I’m excited about is skating, I went and got my skateboard re-gripped yesterday and am dreaming of all the concrete possibilities. I started skateboarding back when I was 6 years old after my next door neighbors held a block party with a half pipe. My curiosity led my parents to allow me complete freedom with my skate, turning the steep hills of my neighborhood to race tracks for adrenaline chasing little kids like me and my friends. Skateboarding never left my life, I’ve fractured my knee and tore my ACL skating so I’m cautious but it didn’t stop me or slow me down. I’ve been skating the park down the street a few times since we moved into this new place; it’s an odd one but I’m so Damn thankful it’s there.

Another passion of mine I have more time to persue is photography and film. I’m not really sure what to tell you about that other than that I live in an extremely beautiful and diverse city in Vancouver; so even a day of just strolling around with my camera could be a great day in itself.

The weather forecast for the next week is hot and sunny.

Wish me luck.

Nina

About me, Writing

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

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Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Hip Hop, Transgender, Writing

Goodnightnina Dot WordPress. About me pt. ?

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    I usually hate writing about myself but I reinforce myself to write about something every day, it’s therapeutic and creates content allowing people into my experiences. I’m up early this morning; as I am every morning at 5 AM. Jumping directly into wordpress and slapping away at the keyboard painting some sort of picture: Me.

I’m me. Transgender and proud; artist. I don’t hide my identity and no one who’s transgender should have to but unfortunately in society I know there’s far too many staying in the closet. I’m hoping to be a representation of why not to, and how much better your life can be. Simply being yourself. Im some ways I think my visibility makes a difference; other days I feel like I don’t exist, but hey. You’re reading this aren’t you?

My name is Nina. I’m an extroverted b girl; Into all elements of hip hop. I draw, paint and create. I write poetry, lyrics, journaling and small articles. I’m a filmmaker and video editor. I’m vegetarian and love to cook. I like reading, mostly Buddhist books and spiritual books. I graduated college; studying mental health. I watch a lot of movies with my girlfriend and I’m happily taken. I like to skateboard n play basketball.

Welcome to my blog. I blog Gaffiti, Art, Street Photography, Buddhist Philosophy, Poetry, and anything thought provoking or visually… beautiful!

 

My Poetry, Poetry, Writing, Zen

I accidentally took LSD. A non fiction poem. – Nina

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Summer night. 2015

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I thought it’s “a Zenful day”

/ Vegetarian sushi 

No sugar or alcohol just the good stuff and it’s a good day

Happy birthday to my baby, make a wish and get it all

She put a tab on her tongue, I didn’t see it at all

Back at home there was something I missed when kissed…

Perfect timing because I just caught the contact high. oh shit…

I didn’t know what I did, I laid down to go to sleep

One hour later, I’m like ” Hold up ” what’s happening to me…

When I took LSD, my synapses align in perfect timing

A slight redesigning and everything started shining

Something is “definitely” happening is what had crossed my mind

No idea what to expect, so I figured I would unwind

I’ve never done this before now how do I relax?

Something calming to the aura, I walked towards the the bath

I took a shower for an hour and she decided to join me

I think this was a good idea. Warming up, disoriented blissful ointments

Kissing her for a few, then the night sky filled with laughter!

We played like we were kids without a worry, ever after

Apparently we were loud enough to wake the whole block

So we retired to the bedroom to chill cuddle and talk

I wasn’t afraid or ashamed, utterly relaxed

Laying on my back, calming Buddhist tracks

Not high or sober, just something new component

Angels in the sky watching over us at each and every moment

An 8 hour meditation instilled with euphoria infatuation

Into the sky and back, wow. Happy birthday to my baby.

 

 

My Poetry, Poetry, Writing

Change, Fear and my Inner Child – Nina

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Waking up and pondering my soul

I’m addicted to change I think…

It always brings life into a new light; breathing creativity into my soul

Waking up knowing today is going to be something anew

Something to make my heart skip;

Life wasn’t meant to be the repetitive loops of humanity

Life is supposed to be filled with spontaneity

Change is good

 

I could be addicted to danger too or… fear

The adrenaline of fear or… the conquering of such

Why is safety so comforting anyways?

Does one really have space to grow feeling utterly “safe”?

Mankind would go nowhere

These day people spend a lot more time inside

Technological advances draw us away from nature

And from reality

 

Addicted to my imagination or simply my playful side

Inner child without cares or worries

I like to dance and run

Free of fear and addicted to change

Danger

I hope it takes me places…

 

Nina

Love, Poetry, Writing

Happiness and silliness on a dreary morning.

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If it doesn’t pour rain, skate park at 7 am? I’m drinking coffee, watching silly T.V. shows on a big comfy couch with my lover. Cloud filled sky and our tired eyes; early risers today: 4 AM.

Unsure of what to write about but smile nevertheless and jot digital scribbles.

She’s looking through the “free” section on craigslist..

Micro-Fibre love seat. It looked rather odd.

She’s hit major scores lately though

52 inch TV…

Beautiful stained wood vanity type dresser…

House is looking wonderful!

On my 4th cup of coffee now. I’m a fiend for the beans from awakening to coffee as desert after dinner. It’s a bittersweet addiction; sometimes a cause of anxiety… It reminds me of chocolate; even though I drink it black. Yum.

“Are we supposed to do anything today?” I ask her.

Not that I know of…

🙂

She’s stroking my face with her feet.

“This is how I’d love you if I had no hands”.

Sips coffee*

Writing

Yesterday morning. :)

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Yesterday was beautiful. I had woken up at 3 am, happily blogging.. but Around 7 I decided to go out… There’s a skatepark a few blocks from my house; I had been wanting to skate it but alone at first as not to embarrass myself getting used to it. Not a cloud in the sky I walked a few blocks to it and put my bag on a bench.

It’s mostly transition with some vicious vert walls. (Video coming soon). It was a lot of fun. Sun had risen and I had the whole place to myself, riding around my new playground, getting the feel for it I’ve desperately desired since I moved here in January. I did take one fall but Damn I hadn’t skated since last summer!

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Headphones blaring and nothing but concrete and metal; I exploded its potential.

Now I’m ready to really ride this park.

It’s dope what the cities in and around Vancouver do for skaters. We have infinite skateparks honestly.

 

 

Queensborough skate park.

I give you 8 out of 10 stars.

Level advanced.

Too much fun!

 

-Nina