My name is Nina, it wasn’t always my name… I grew up in Vancouver British Columbia, yes Canada. I came from a good family with strict morals and principles, but as time went by a simple life…
Category Archives: Writing
Good times with my girl. A Nina update.
Today was amazing. Not even having a giant thorn surgically removed from my back brought me down… The morning was chill.
Just with my girl in the morning was nice, she took her time to wake up while I blogged and read other blog posts. I cuddled with her for a while just hoping she’d get up and it worked.
We eventually decided to go shoot some hoops at the park.
Hahaha
About 30 minutes in I run to go grab the ball… tripping slightly on my heel I fell into some thorns. Okay A LOT of thorns. I’m kind of bloody right… I thought it was all good despite the intense pain and quickly finished the game and rolled home.
I went to the mirror and turned around to see my back and what do you fucking know…. A large piece of thorn was like…. pushing the skin out on my back. I thought shit… how the fuck am I gon get this wood outta my back…it looked nasty! my girl was far too squeamish to go surgical style on this nasty looking situation. That made her a little upset but…
She drove me to a clinic and it was so deep into my back muscle they said they were going to just leave me a little cut open and come back in a few days to remove it. So uhhhhhhh I was thinking and quickly convinced this doctor to do whatever it takes… necessary…to get it out . Like: immediately.
Anesthetic worked fine and she pulled it out. Tetanus shot. Bandaid n…
I’m home and it’s all good.
Good day.
– Nina. 🙂
False negative ego and goal setting. By Nina
I’ve proved myself wrong on so many occasions, I’ve doubted my potential and blown myself out of the water with success. It’s dangerous to doubt oneself and I think that most of us don’t even know what we are capable of. The trick to each of my successes was to persist beyond my self doubt; to overlook it by conquering fear of failure. I do once again have many goals I’d like to accomplish; goals I’ve left behind and overlooked. And again it’s time to ignore my false doubtful ego.
Why be scared? I’d rather fail trying to prove my doubtful ego wrong than to look back and see I didn’t try at all. In all actuality we as human beings have infinite potential. A potential to shape our lives and others around us. This occurs like a ripple effect and works in mysterious ways via laws of attraction and the perception of others.
I try and picture and visualize the positive changes I’d like to see; from big changes to small. I write notes to myself reminding me of what my goals are, over time things can be lost, so I take notes. Goals and aspirations take time to flourish so persistence is key. Don’t rely on others to do your goals for you but always remember…Sometimes we can’t always get to our goals on our own, and it’s okay to ask for help, in fact I encourage it. Doing things alone is never easy and you’d be surprised how much help you can get by simply asking. Believe it or not people want to help you.
Try to imagine who and where you want to be.
Make your present self reflect that person and do as they would do.
Ignore your false doubtful ego.
Take control of your life and your goals.
Nina
Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals
Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.
But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason.. for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….
… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.
Onto my current situation… So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…
The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.
And I’m thankful for that.
Just got to hold it down, 5 days…
Nina
Journaling exercise mind map. Photo of me at Buddhist Association of Vancouver
Where I want to go with my work:
Hosting groups, writing and music groups and helping with food banks around greater Vancouver. Non for profit organizations and homeless shelters or helping teach art and video production for at risk youth. Possibly helping lgbt groups for adults or youth. Collaborating with community art or gardening projects.
With my art:
Exploring myself, practicing Buddhist art and attempting to incorporate it into my graffiti. Writing more in depth personal blog posts and articles surrounding important world issues and politics. NOT GETTING ARRESTED. Taking time to do what is important ; needing to be done.
Spirituality:
Continue practicing meditation daily; the more the better. Reading and writing surrounding Zen and Zen Buddhism. Remaining focussed on vegetarianism / healthy diet. Going green, reducing plastic use and composting/ recycling.
Writing important? Journaling? Being an artist? About me: Nina
I wrote a couple poems this morning; Releasing thoughts is important and bottling emotions is dangerous to say the least. Although writing isn’t a cure perhaps it is a permanent insight to the root, the roots of joy or sorrow. After such release I can move on and forward or upward.
I’m no Shakespeare but you don’t need a degree in writing to make a story; to create a feeling, realization or actualization. Writing is often a reflection of self for me in particular, the changes in my minds chemistry and life’s situational events. I don’t intend to write anything in particular or film or draw or paint. It’s simply…Outside world internalized and vice versa.
The importance of simply applying pen to paper (even when you dont, didn’t…want to) can be a tool for writers block, frustration, etc. “Apply ass to chair,”. My teacher would say* I read a book called : The Artists Way and it spoke of writing or journaling for one hour each morning and to spend at least one day a week on “an artists vacation”; meaning to spend one day a week doing things new or… finding inspiration, joy and possibly profound. Don’t become captive to a routine, life was not meant to be lived like a “to do list”.
I truly love wordpress for the writers I’ve encountered. I love it for its photography and news. For the most part we’re here to create, express, inform and just maybe… change the world, one thought and line at a time. Thanks for following me, I follow anyone following me and am often overwhelmed but I thank each and everyone for contributing to the artistic processes.
Featured image art by: Mear-One
Have an amazing day,
-Nina
The two coolest sayings from the A2 psychiatric ward. – Nina
I’ve spent some time locked up for being “loco,”.
I met amazing people, some completely there and others… completely gone. I had a girlfriend in one trip to the ward, fell into a sexual relationship locked up under the mental health act after she “escaped” literally… we parted ways.
We had crack dealers in the ward if you needed your fix. I met Kansr and Outlaw Ali there. Ali was my best friend when I was the most down and the most afraid I have ever been in my life.
Ali was murdered leaving my friends house a few years ago and it still really hurts… rest in peace Ali. And shout outs to TK the Kansr kid* stay bombing wherever you are.
My favorite psych ward sayings:
“The giraffe already peeked in that window”.
And
“Don’t worry, they’ve already cloned you”.
Fucking eh
Sincerely Nina
Stories from the worst ranked psychiatric ward in Canada. Rat infested, crack den, pill pushing rape trap.
Why?… a ramble. – Nina
An interesting thought.
I’m content in my body n that’s cool cause like… I was a boy once
I am rambling because one must ramble as a writer.
Cooking is a delight, I do it with love.
I miss the summertime when I fell in love, although I never fell out it was a beautiful time.
The never-ending sunshine I had the tan of a goddess, bikini on constantly.
Now it rains and seemingly only rains, it will pass.
I do a lot of art to keep my mind preoccupied by this weather prison.
What am I even rambling about and why are you reading this?
Go home.
Nina
The Inner Child by Nina Yin
In a sense I am lost; feeling childlike in constant exploring of earth and oneself. I am, in a sense found; by my morality with love…and with compassion… I find myself restless in time, for time is complex. The mind cannot comprehend time nor comprehend anything in completeness. The Tao of existence unwordable, incomprehensible…
We are not all knowing beings but the fabric of existence has underlying comfort whether it is productive or not. Even terrible mistakes create great lessons. The child knows love most, your inner child craves it.
Life is complex in a mathematical sense but extremely simple in the aspect of conscious thought.
That being all that we have.
I trust this universe more than I trust myself. I say this in a sense that I do not feel in control, but the rain outside my window… it is bringing life to the earth; as is the sun, moon and the stars. Endless bounded in infinity… ; that is something I can trust. Allowing the universe to take control helps me in meditations and allowing what I cannot change.
Simplicity is bliss and sometimes in my childlike absence of self awareness, like when I draw a picture I am not drawing a picture. If I am absent and I perhaps simply am: the picture.
But as my inner child finishes the creation.
I must return to the grounding incomprehensible earth.
Here I am again.
-Nina
Transitioning. Male to female. -Nina
Touching on the subject. Going male to female….
Although I had been dressing as a female in public for many years, and living as a woman on and off. For relationship reasons sigh… : For one year I had attempted to be completely male, bad mistake. “Now” Realizing how far from the real me I had been “acting”. I got into a treatment program and started hormones with almost a completely shaved head, YIKES. I had been working construction heavily and was extremely muscular, you can see in this video: A male version of me. Right before Hormone Replacement Therapy.
I was extremely sceptical if I could find my way back to my feminine self. I was and always am faced with little bits of discrimination here and there, It made me anxious but I knew I had to try or I would regret it for the rest of my life. Slowly but surely my hair grew long, my muscles in my arms started to vanish and my breasts grew larger and larger by the months. Men and women alike all of a sudden wanted something from me… my old friends and even married ex girlfriends wanted to sleep with me. Nevertheless I was happier my transition was working well.
After about 2 years I started to feel complete, luckily for me and unlike a few of my trans girl friends surgery or any procedure for that matter wasn’t anything I wanted or needed. I had slight self confidence issues and still had a few things to learn about the confidence and grace a beautiful woman such as myself and should be able to portray. The internet leads to ugly places most of the time but…I had met the love of my life… With a little help from my girlfriend I dressed less conservative, far more sexy in public. It was extremely liberating and a huge growth for me.
A video of me now! 🙂 – Butterfly*** Subscribe to my channel if you’d like.
Me today: not the flashiest of pictures but to me it’s just an example.
Today I’m able to dress however I want to, go to whatever bathroom, I’m treated how I’d like for the most part and I have zero regrets. Luckily for me I had basic supporters; my friends and family, this is almost impossible to do alone. My health care covers all my medication “Ohhh Canadaaaaa.”, and thrift stores provide me with clothes I can actually afford; progressing my style and confidence.
That’s basically how the shit went in a nutshell. Of course I gave up a few ignorant people along the way but I think that that’s great that they can fuck off! Fuck right off lol.
Peace n blessings.
Nina
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