Tag Archives: Writing

My Poetry, Poetry

Lil Rhyme Poetry – Nina

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Inspite of my risked flight heres some insight to my intwined mind designed to inspire

Nothing required; building from a comforting nothingness to be blunt ignorance is bliss and just oh so comforting

But no views distorted, as far as I’ve seen or noticed. Visionary mind state I escalate and remain focussed

The persuit of happiness is on track mathmatically; tapping into my potential of a well that fills and distills drastically

Conform to no norms, I’m in no way shape or form a part of a swarm a touch comforting warmth

I like runways of sunrays that come blaze the concrete Im amazed at the phases Ive been through I’m feeling complete

My girl and I build together; nothing ever felt so real, Im feeling the future will help us keep it here n still always will just be together

Nina

 

Writing

Feeling positive; Just jotting like a journal.

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I’m quite thankful to be alive and well, writing away; although I feel a serious writers block. Fuck writers block. Ill just start typing. They say to just write anyways so…Im happy!

The hot weather is extremely overdue in my life so I’m sunbathing lots lately; catching a tan and spending far more time outside. Last summer is when I met my love, bringing me extremely positive vibes.

I’m rarely anxious or dysphoric lately and generally just feeling pretty Damn good; finding myself dancing, drawing and going out without even bothering to do my makeup. I don’t always need it to feel “pretty” so I can just be me. No worries. On the note of dysphoria; Ordering my birth certificate today to get my name change going (also extremely overdue). My girlfriend has done it now I’m playing catch up. It’s going to be a long, brutal process but it’s all good.

Right now I’m staying at my parents house helping them with their move into a new home in July, they are selling the house I grew up in which might not hit me till later but now I’m happy for them because they got a nice new spot lined up. Changes for me? Nothing major lately but I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend this week for a week straight instead of on and off which makes me happy.

Very happy.

Yes. Good times.

-Nina

About me, Writing

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

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Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Love, Poetry, Writing

Happiness and silliness on a dreary morning.

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If it doesn’t pour rain, skate park at 7 am? I’m drinking coffee, watching silly T.V. shows on a big comfy couch with my lover. Cloud filled sky and our tired eyes; early risers today: 4 AM.

Unsure of what to write about but smile nevertheless and jot digital scribbles.

She’s looking through the “free” section on craigslist..

Micro-Fibre love seat. It looked rather odd.

She’s hit major scores lately though

52 inch TV…

Beautiful stained wood vanity type dresser…

House is looking wonderful!

On my 4th cup of coffee now. I’m a fiend for the beans from awakening to coffee as desert after dinner. It’s a bittersweet addiction; sometimes a cause of anxiety… It reminds me of chocolate; even though I drink it black. Yum.

“Are we supposed to do anything today?” I ask her.

Not that I know of…

🙂

She’s stroking my face with her feet.

“This is how I’d love you if I had no hands”.

Sips coffee*

Writing

Yesterday morning. :)

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Yesterday was beautiful. I had woken up at 3 am, happily blogging.. but Around 7 I decided to go out… There’s a skatepark a few blocks from my house; I had been wanting to skate it but alone at first as not to embarrass myself getting used to it. Not a cloud in the sky I walked a few blocks to it and put my bag on a bench.

It’s mostly transition with some vicious vert walls. (Video coming soon). It was a lot of fun. Sun had risen and I had the whole place to myself, riding around my new playground, getting the feel for it I’ve desperately desired since I moved here in January. I did take one fall but Damn I hadn’t skated since last summer!

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Headphones blaring and nothing but concrete and metal; I exploded its potential.

Now I’m ready to really ride this park.

It’s dope what the cities in and around Vancouver do for skaters. We have infinite skateparks honestly.

 

 

Queensborough skate park.

I give you 8 out of 10 stars.

Level advanced.

Too much fun!

 

-Nina

 

Love, Writing

Good times with my girl. A Nina update.

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Today was amazing. Not even having a giant thorn surgically removed from my back brought me down… The morning was chill.

Just with my girl in the morning was nice, she took her time to wake up while I blogged and read other blog posts. I cuddled with her for a while just hoping she’d get up and it worked.

We eventually decided to go shoot some hoops at the park.

Hahaha

About 30 minutes in I run to go grab the ball… tripping slightly on my heel I fell into some thorns. Okay A LOT of thorns. I’m kind of bloody right… I thought it was all good despite the intense pain and quickly finished the game and rolled home.

I went to the mirror and turned around to see my back and what do you fucking know…. A large piece of thorn was like…. pushing the skin out on my back. I thought shit… how the fuck am I gon get this wood outta my back…it looked nasty! my girl was far too squeamish to go surgical style on this nasty looking situation. That made her a little upset but…

She drove me to a clinic and it was so deep into my back muscle they said they were going to just leave me a little cut open and come back in a few days to remove it. So uhhhhhhh I was thinking and quickly convinced this doctor to do whatever it takes… necessary…to get it out . Like: immediately.

Anesthetic worked fine and she pulled it out. Tetanus shot. Bandaid n…

I’m home and it’s all good.

Good day.

– Nina. 🙂

Poetry, Writing

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

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Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina