Tag Archives: Transgender writer

Shadows on The Sun -Nina

Blessing to be alive and recognize that girl in the mirror, she’s smiling and smiling, smiling delirious.

Smiling in pouring rain, smiling in snow, smiling is important, to smile when it’s cold.

Miracles seen, kind of like lifelike dream but ,materialized unto me, so I’m so positive indeed

Battling happily, keep writing and enter psyche, destructured and restructured, sharing, airing it out for my comfort likely

This moment…. will I remember love beaming from my heart when it’s done?

Cause last week I was in the streets; darkness cast shadows on the sun.

Nina Yin Vestergaard

My Journey. My Zazen. Studies n Poetry.

Misty rain on Mount Lu
And waves surging in Che-chiang;
When you have not yet been there,
Many regret you surely have;

But once there and homeward you send,
How matter of fact things look!

Misty rain on Mount Lu
And waves surging in Che-chiang….

🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉

Samsara: Birth and Death.

Buddhist scriptures have it, the darkness of the cave itself turns into enlightenment when a torch of spiritual insight burns. Darkness and enlightenment are not two separate things. Is life not as we live it, cut into pieces by recklessly applying the murderous knife of intellectual surgery?

::::::My robe is torn, shreds hanging and blowing in the wind::::::::::

Whatever this is, there is one thing in this connection which we can never afford to lose sight of – that is, the peace of poverty (for peace is only found in poverty) moral ground. Zen is quite emphatic in this mystic flight, comes from fighting the battle of life courageously and undauntingly.

Written by Nina Shade Vestergaard taken from Zen Buddhism organized by D.T. Suzuki and the teachings of ancient zen master Pai-Chang Nieh-P’an.

Peace upon you all.

Lost-Memoirs of hallucinatory delusions and psychosis. – Nina

mistymountains_by_taenaron-d6i3a1pI don’t know when this all began….It’s kind of a blur. Okay, it’s really a blur.

I remember being by the river with junkies. Calling them my friends but not knowing their names. Skater junkies, one of them was homeless and I was his tour guide for the day. They were smoking meth or crack from a lightbulb, I’m not really sure…

I might have been smoking weed because  I know I was euphoricphoric and anxious treading through the hot sun from park to park, malnourished.

Something inside me cracked.

Dynamite in the distance.  They  say It’s supposed to be stolen, kids stealing small dynamite from the railroad companies.

I don’t even know what year it was..

Next thing I remember I was at home.

But I really remember the windows. Night

The upstairs windows reflected evil and translucent, mysterious in nature, watching me; From all angles because in my delirious mind windows had the capability to watch me from different angles but…. someone was showing me exactly what they wanted me to see and I knew it was not real. Like the outside world was just a TV screen, the world I knew was non existent.

The television early the next morning was somewhat of a magic window as well but…Through THIS magic window I see visions dancing and shimmering along the grass. I am young I’m just a kid who’s lost somewhere… I look through the window… a kid like me. Is that me? Under a tree where beautiful poems foretell my future. I see me. Painting and about to embark on my destiny.

This positivity couldn’t last long ….amidst a war…

…. But I hadnt been sleeping. …Amplified sounds, dynamite and gunshots, bangs and chainsaws, screaming echoing throughout this valley… you could say… .slightly distracting me?

Ambushing enemies by jumping directly through the window is something odd I had to do… to enlighten the world….because whispering in my ear, in reality I was whispering to myself but in my mind it was them, they were begging for it.

I know I’mm being watched…. Through other magic windows…I’m scared“I think that this is too unreal but I can’t wake up from this nightmare.

. .I sense a Mass suicide along the musty mountains, especially in the daytime… on my journeys through the neighborhood market and community bus gypsies and fortune tellers can see my darkness they sense it’s truth and they have been long storytellers.

But I am a goddess. God or what have you. Some sort of luminous being… bringing compassion. Flashbacks on my goals to save the world….I call out to them but I’m laughed at and called an imposter by my mother. My own mother

Not only my mother but the media as well. They portrayed me pissing on the tree of life but the truth was far from it.

I was watching anime on a 13 inch TV . A war episode, maybe gundam wing…

Fighter jets and gunships rattle my cottage on the ocean faster than the speed of sound so I jump out the window and they are already gone. The beauty of my delusional ideology literally brought to life in front of my face.

I’ve stopped taking my medication because I still didn’t understand what was going on with me… I spend my time wandering the neighborhood…..

there’s a baby crying. Why crying? What does it mean. Why am I here? I walk in and am threatened and arrested moments after. I had no idea what was going on….

Not before long I am captured down the dusty alley. Taken and stripped naked following multiple injections. Solitary confinement; a prisoner of war in my own eyes to be tortured and experimented on (partial truths) cloned, drugged, raped and interrogated in my mind….

“Why are you so scared?”  The doctors ask. “What are you afraid of….”.

I’m afraid of you. Devils in suits… I thought.

Alone and afraid I hear a piano from the distance. It’s.. so beautiful and I begin to cry. Harder than I’ve ever cried. I was thankful for something so deep. A change. A friend….

I made a friend with the music and a friend with Ali…. for a moment all at ease….

I made my escape after 2 weeks.  But I think I’m getting lost again. It’s easy to get lost in these mountains… the mountains by the ocean….. “it’s not the same any more is it?” Ali asked.

“No” I replied. ” it’s not,”.

Dedicated to Ali.

Rest in Peace.

By Nina Shade Vestergaard

“To be or not to be?”. A transgender conundrum.

IMG_20151121_121015I happened to open an old journal today… it’s interesting to take a look back at a little over  2 and a half years ago when I had put myself in process to get my hormone replacement therapy. I was extremely exited and optimistic, bubbly jabbering in my journal about how much fun I would have transitioning and making notes on my hair styles and aparell. It took a long time but I finally made the right decision for me. This decision took nearly 9 years. It was amazing, more than amazing ; to get to the hardest cornerstone decision that shaped me to the woman I am today. I was proud of it but, this long wait came with its costs…. this 9 year wait was my nightmare of which I could not awake from and still occasionally reminds me of a deeply rooted pain.

It’s extremely common for transgender youth to know that they are a little different than the rest of the flock but unable to fully express themselves, discover themselves or even acknowledge themselves at all! For years we hide our identity or face mountainous in our way: coming out and transitioning and not being treated with simple equality and fairness in the family home and society as well. For myself I was always anxious about anyone knowing or talking about the fact I had crossdressing tendencies; from panic attacks to the secrets I kept to the the dark and dangerous places in the real and online world where I found comfort.

 

For some reason homophobic and transphobic jokes and stereotypes are prevalent among youth. So prevalent it is as though it’s embedded so deep into society that you learn to call someone a faggot before you learn to clean your room. This causes an immediate effect on youth preventing growth and acceptance. I remember it starting in early elementary school, and just now starting to fade away in my late twenties. Hearing this language so much as a kid caused me to jump on a hateful bandwagon that would be quick to bash who I have become today, and who I realized I always have been; a proud transgender woman.

“To be or not to be?”. The question I and many other trans folks ask or had been asking themselves for years. “Should I come out? Should I transition?” Or even, “will I even survive this where I am at in my life? “Where do I fit in the gender spectrum?” Circumstances make everyone’s story vary from the one person to the next. For some it’s work or family, financial or relationship, social or morality. I find in most cases that we all have to run, dodge and bite the bullets coming at us on all fronts.

I made up my mind. In November 2014 I began HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)….To fully transion. I kept pushing in life, going to school and working as a woman under the name I had chosen for myself some years ago, “Nina”. Changing daily routines like bathrooms and reminding people of my preferred pronouns and coming across hateful people in and out of my inner circles was a challenge. But a challenge I gladly faced.

If I can give hope to anybody struggling with these issues I must say that it’s been an amazing journey ever since. I was anew, like being reborn it was surely a fresh start. Today I can honestly say it was one, if not the best decision I have ever made. Obstacles come and go but living my truth, my destiny.

…. Priceless.

Nina Vestergaard

 

 

 

 

Blast off.

IMG_20151216_143955_kindlephoto-13096875I’m up and I’m up
For this fantastic change
Naturally happy, dancing in the rain
Like tears of joy in awe I embrace
Loving this life and loving the taste
Holding my lover tight as a vice
Oh what a wonder, this day does ignite
Picturesque perfection, picture perfect so soon
Watch me blast off.
Catch y’all on the moon.

-Nina

Hip hop is Positive. A high school essay by Nina Vestergaard

FB_IMG_1444693086419Hip Hop is more powerful than politics and religion. Its the only thing that brought black people, white people, German people, Asian people and African people together (qtd in DMC Cites Positive Aspects of Hip Hop). The birth date of Hip Hop is officially November 12 1974. In the very beginning of the Hip Hop era many gang members in New York made the transfer from gangs in to crews. This made a positive change for them as well as for their communities. Crews were groups that practiced some of the five elements of Hip Hop: Rapping, DJing, Aerosol writing, B Boying and the study of knowledge. Hip Hop was refined as an alternative to violence which was exactly what New York needed after the explosion of gangs during the 1950’s and 1960’s. According to the International Recording Industry hip hop is the fastest rising music market. It can be a form of expression, emotion, skill, communication, alternative lifestyle or even protest.

One of the most familiar forms of Hip Hop is rapping. Rapping is a written expression in the form of rhyme. It started off when DJs at party’s began toasting. For example: the DJ would make a toast to their friends in the crowd over the microphone, or they would get the party exited by saying a little rhyme. Eventually emcees would come help host the party and rap whole songs while the DJ spins the beats. Rap music has the ability to break all boundaries including age and sex. Although the stereotypical view is that MC s are males the first female MC named Sha Rock was highly respected by all audiences in the 1970’s. Sha Rock was liked so much that she got the most recognition above anyone else in the Hip Hop scene at the time. U.S. Senator Barack Obama is currently campaigning for presidency in America and one of his plans is to use Hip Hop as a positive message. He believes that rappers have a lot of potential to deliver a powerful message of extraordinary magnitude to the public. Rapping is a great outlet for youth because of its high energy and dynamic momentum. Young rappers in British Columbia have the opportunity to participate in skill building camps such as the Hip Hop Hope Project operating out of White Rock. Hip Hop Hope is a five day camp that allows kids to work in a professional studio and record there own album. Even if kids cannot attend such a camp they can get together and either write songs together or freestyle battle, which is tons of fun. A freestyle battle is when two or more MC s try to out-rap each other with lyrics that are made up on the spot, so nothing written. Freestyle battling is a great test of wits and is perfect when your bored with your friends. It’s also a great way for youth to stay out of trouble.

The very first form of Hip Hop was the DJing, or disc jockeying. DJ s are the center of most Hip Hop oriented parties, simply because they are in control of the music. Disc Jockeys creatively innovate sounds and beats on two turntables. DJ s adjust pitch, tone, and speed of the record as well as the current position of the song that they are playing. The DJ has the responsibility of keeping the party alive and jumping. DJing is also great for youth because there is so many possibilities made by mixing, combining two songs, and scratching, manipulating the record by pulling it back and fourth on the turntable. Being a DJ is not an easy task because there is so much to learn. Fortunately there are many teachers that work at music schools such as The Rhythm Institute in Vancouver. With decks you can constantly be innovating and coming up with new techniques and tricks that fit your style. Once a DJ has learned to mix and scratch they have the opportunity to incorporate different songs and different genres of music together. Just like MC’s DJ’s also have the opportunity to record their music and once a youth is making their own music there s no telling how far his music could take him. For example: becoming a DJ at a nightclub, hosting a party or event, being a DJ for a rap group, and even mixing and sampling tracks to sell to up and coming artists.

An example of the amazing use of creativity in Hip Hop is aerosol art or commonly known as graffiti. Aerosol art is also known as tagging, and comes from the first aerosol artist’s group named the Tuff Artists Group or T.A.G. Graffiti is a positive outlet for kids because it gets them outside to see the world, often traveling to new neighborhoods to paint a piece or mural. Graffiti artists bring life to dull objects such as trains and concrete barriers. Most graffiti pieces consists of words with many colors and dimensions often in 3d. Artists try to develop there own style that makes them unique, which is good for a youth’s self esteem. Graffiti is very controversial and in most cases an illegal art form. Although it’s unlawful it has become so common throughout the world that the legality should be reconsidered. Due to most graffiti being prohibited legal walls and competitions have been funded by supporters of the art form. Young artists can come and compete against each other or just come down and watch. Graffiti art has limitless possibilities, there are hundreds of thousands of fascinating photo s on the website www.artcrimes.com. This website is a collection of pictures of graffiti from all corners of the world. Youth can log on to this website and dream of becoming one of the worlds best.

One of the more physical forms of hip hop is B-Boying, otherwise known as break dancing or breaking. Breaking is an excellent cardiovascular activity, good for getting the heart rate up and oxygen in your lungs. This style of dancing has limitless possibilities unlike square dancing which is taught in elementary or high schools. B-Boying or B-Girling is a dance style with complex moves that involve high levels of endurance and skill. Breaking originates from the streets of New York during the birth of hip hop and was a definite alternative to violence during the hard times in the Bronx. It is a very creative outlet for youths because combines all dance forms with a new style of hip hop. Similair to an MC freestyle battle, dancers can get together and do freestyle dance battles. DJ’s often host these get togethers and mix up music for the individual dancer. At the higher level of hip hop dancing youth can compete in provincial and national competitions to prove they’re worth in the Hip Hop scene. B-Boy battles are a positive environment for youth because they are constantly learning new moves, and in doing so staying out of trouble.

The last but most commonly overlooked aspect of Hip Hop is knowledge. Youth will learn ways to channel energy, emotion and most importantly knowledge through they re rapping, disc jockeying, aerosol writing, and breaking. Through Hip Hop youth learn ways to express and control all ranges of emotion. Knowledge is often overlooked as a part of Hip Hop because having knowledge of hip hop is an obvious necessity to excel as a progressive artist. As a person develops they’re Hip Hop skills not only will they learn knowledge of they form, but they will also learn knowledge of self. Knowledge of self also goes with knowledge of your horizons, as you grow older you realize that there is great potential in self expression and music. There is so much information on the famous artists in Hip Hop, from biographies to interviews and world news. The birth of the scene is documented in the form of an oral history lesson written by all or most of the original Hip Hop founders. The knowledge of Hip Hop is limitless.

There is so much evidence of why Hip Hop is a positive outlet for youth, from the many choices of artist expression to the study of hip hop knowledge. Due to the fact that Hip Hop is a new movement, many parents are unsure of why Hip Hop is right for they’re children, but with an informative essay such as this one these views can be easily swayed for the better of today’s youth. A smooth rap flow can be soothing to ears, a DJ’s innovations can be astonishing to a crowd, a graffiti artists piece can be a perfection of abstract thought, a B-Boys dance could be near the point of impossible theatrics and the knowledge of the Hip Hop community could move nations. Hip Hop is a healthy alternative to violence and positive for todays children. This style of music has deep roots and is said it represents a will to survive through strength and self expression.